Crash and Burn: So Far Away
by Swordy Rides Again
Summary: Crash and Burn side story. Suffering Post Traumatic Stress, Dee heads to England for a month's intensive therapy where he is forced to deal with everything that happened to him during his kidnapping ordeal.
1. Leaving

**Author's note: For anyone that doesn't know, this is a side story which follows Dee from the point he and Ryo separate at the airport in chapter 27 of 'Crash and Burn'. The lyrics that inspired this fic (now removed to comply with fanfictiondotnet's rules) are from a song called 'So Far Away' by Staind. I recommend everyone checks it out!**

**Warnings: Bad language, angst.**

**Crash and Burn – So Far Away**

Chapter 1 – Leaving

Dee could feel Ryo's dark eyes burning into his back as the attendant pushed his wheelchair towards the departure gate. Closing his own eyes against the pain in his heart, he concentrated on reciting song lyrics in his head, the alphabet, poems he could think of; _anything_ that seemed to distract him from the ache that seemed to penetrate his very soul. He desperately wanted to look back; to see Ryo's handsome face one last time, but he knew if he did then he would never leave at all.

Soon he had something else to distract him from his pain, when he reached the desk and had to hand over his ticket. Another attendant appeared and took his crutches and his hand luggage before disappearing towards the plane. The man quickly returned to help Dee onboard.

It was hard not to feel a little jealous being surrounded by so many travelers with their families and Dee suddenly felt very alone as he was helped into his seat. To make matters worse, he was on a row on his own, needing three seats to rest his casted leg across, leaving him even more isolated from his fellow passengers. Seeing him on his own, the stewardesses were particularly attentive, checking on him often with a kindly smile.

Dee couldn't be sure whether it was a symptom of his PTSD or not, but he felt as if he was being watched; an endless feeling of paranoia that he couldn't shake off. It stood to reason that _someone_ on the packed flight would recognize him; after all, he had been prominent in the news all thanks to the celebrity pulling power of Henry Goldsmith. He bit down on his unease and forced a smile every time the attendants approached; relieved when he finally drifted off to sleep for a few hours after he had eaten.

The flight was uneventful and before long, the captain was announcing their descent into Heathrow. Dee glanced out of the window to see the grey skies of London. Last time he'd been to the UK, Ryo had been by his side and somehow the grey skies just hadn't mattered then. Now, they felt dark and oppressive, weighing on his leaden heart as the plane touched down and came to a halt near one of the terminals. He was distracted from his viewing by a stewardess who came over and smiled at him.

"Mr Latener? Are you okay waiting until the other passengers are off before we attend to you?"

"Sure," Dee replied, managing a convincing smile despite the growing craving for a cigarette that had steadily intensified over the last eight hours.

He managed to negotiate with the attendant who was pushing his wheelchair to take him to one of the few smoking areas of the airport before he had to check in for his connecting flight up to Manchester, in the north west of the country. The attendant, a tall red headed man with a thick London accent, was sympathetic to his plight; a smoker himself who understood the difficulty of remaining civil when your body was screaming for nicotine.

Two blessed cigarettes later and Dee was boarding his second flight, a small British Midlands plane that would make the forty-five minute flight up to Manchester. He was missing Ryo badly now; hell, even Bicky would have been a welcome sight as the endless clouds passed by, breaking every so often to allow a glimpse of the land below. Flying over London was interesting. He recognised Buckingham Palace and Tower Bridge and even caught a glimpse of the Millennium Eye, the oversized big wheel built on the banks of the river Thames to celebrate the turn of the century. Soon however, the city was left behind.

England was an undeniably beautiful vista; lush and unspoilt, a patchwork of green and brown. As they made their descent into Manchester, the landscape changed quickly, the verdant valleys suddenly replaced by dark industrial type expanses that seemed to run for miles, leaving it impossible to tell where one ended and another began. The plane landed smoothly and taxied towards the blinking lights of the terminal. It was still daylight, but the gloom of the weather made lighting a necessity.

"Welcome to Manchester," the captain announced over the loudspeaker as the plane came to a halt. "The local time is three fourteen pm and the weather is cloudy with intermittent showers. We hope you've enjoyed your flight. Please have a safe onward journey and on behalf of myself and my staff, thank you for flying with British Midland."

Again the same routine, where Dee had to wait before an attendant with a wheelchair arrived to collect him from the plane. Again he smiled, despite the vulnerability he felt at needing assistance. On the plus side, it allowed him to bypass most of the airport crowds, particularly at the baggage carousels where his luggage was brought to him after he described it to another attendant. He was left briefly in the crowded arrivals hall as the employee pushing his wheelchair went outside to secure him a cab. The young Asian man returned shortly afterwards as Dee was finding his feet on his crutches.

"Okay, I've told him where you're going. He's said seventeen quid; don't let him tell you any different."

Dee smiled gratefully as the man carried his bags out to the waiting car. The driver was a genial guy called Mike who had a strong Mancunian accent. He talked endlessly and seemed fascinated with Dee's own accent, often talking about 'you Yanks' as they chatted. Dee hadn't felt much like making conversation but he found the mindless small talk kept him away from loneliness and longing thoughts of Ryo.

"So what brings you to Manchester?" Mike asked eventually, glancing at his passenger in the rear view mirror.

"Work," Dee said simply, looking out of the window and watching two children laughing as they pushed a third boy along in a shopping cart.

"How long for?" Mike asked, seeing Dee wasn't about to elaborate on his first answer.

"A month."

"A month, huh?" he replied, nodding thoughtfully.

There was silence as Dee returned to gazing out of the window, watching the world fly by. The houses as they passed through a residential area changed constantly, from large, attractive red brick detached properties that Dee considered mansions, to row upon row of terraced houses, their doors leading directly onto the litter-strewn streets. The city of Manchester seemed a multicultural place, with Asian families moving amongst Chinese and English; their diverse lifestyles reflected in the variety of shops that addressed each culture's needs, jostling side by side on the busy main streets.

"So what passes for fun in this city?" Dee asked, tiring of the scenery.

Mike glanced at his green eyed passenger and cleared his throat noisily. "Fun, huh? Well, in Manchester itself there's plenty of bars and restaurants. If you like comedy then I'd recommend either Jongleurs comedy club or the Comedy Store at Deansgate Locks. Of course, a lot of people come to Manchester to go to Canal Street."

"What's there?" Dee asked.

"The gay village," Mike replied. "It's supposed to be a good night out, providing of course you've nothing against queers."

In the back of the cab, Dee had to smile. "I think I can cope," he said, a trace of humour in his voice.

Mike evidently missed it. "Well, like I said, it's supposedly a good night out."

The conversation ended as they pulled up to the entrance of the hotel. The building was an imposing looking edifice, towering over the street below like a fairytale giant. The architecture was faithfully gothic, the building constructed in 1884 just before the end of the gothic revival that had swept the UK during that period. The main doors resided beneath a large pointed brick archway that set the hotel out amongst the sea of Perspex and stainless steel that seemed to be the construction materials of choice in the sprawling city centre.

"Well, here we are," the driver announced. "I'll help you in with your bags."

"Thanks," Dee replied, handing him a twenty pound note. "Keep the change and thanks for the recommendations."

The taxi driver carried his bags up to the front desk and left, leaving Dee hunting through his rucksack for his booking information. Finding the documents he needed, he stepped up to the desk to be greeted by a receptionist who looked to be in her early twenties. She beamed a broad smile at the handsome man as he approached.

"Good afternoon. How can I help you?"

"I have a reservation in the name of Dee Latener," he explained, hoping that he wouldn't have to mention that he was part of the PTSD group. He had no intention of volunteering that information.

She didn't seem to need it however as she took his documentation and processed the details on the computer, smiling as he waited patiently. When she was done, she handed Dee the keycard for his room before arranging for a colleague to deal with his bags. The room was comfortable, although Dee couldn't help but think that the king sized bed would seem very empty with just him in it.

"Ryo," he said, moving to the window and staring out onto a wonderful view of the city he was to call home for the next month. "Damn, I wish you were here."

He turned to see a letter addressed to him propped up against the television set. Working his way back across the room, he opened it and found it contained instructions on meeting up with the rest of his therapy group; the other five people hoping the save their sanity and possibly their souls.

Sitting down on the bed, Dee sighed heavily. Before he had left the States, Polly had explained that there would be a total of six people including himself on the programme, designed specifically for sufferers of PTSD who were employed in the emergency services. She had told him there would be other cops, paramedics and firemen all experiencing similar difficulties and wanting to try to put their lives back in order. _Wonder if they're all as crazy as me_, Dee thought to himself, deciding to indulge in a cigarette before going to meet the group.

Calmed by the nicotine in his body, he washed and changed his t-shirt before checking his blood sugar levels and administering his insulin. Once ready, he headed for the elevator. The note had told him to go to the hotel bar on the ground floor although he wasn't exactly sure how he'd know who he was there to meet; unless of course they all had big neon signs on their heads. _Great_, he thought dryly, _way to tell the world we're crazy_.

Despite knowing he had to limit his alcohol intake, Dee found himself ordering a beer, hoping that the buzz would take the edge off his nerves. He had drunk only a quarter of the bottle when someone sat down beside him at the bar. The man, who Dee thought looked a similar age to himself, ordered a pint of lager and a whiskey, downing the latter in one motion before the bartender had returned with his change.

"Ugh," the other man said, wincing at the taste. "Jesus…" he shook his head as if to shake away the taste.

"That bad, huh?" Dee asked, smiling as he took a swig from his own bottle.

"Maybe," the other man replied, turning to Dee and appraising the green eyed stranger. "I'm here to spend a month with a bunch of potentially crazy people that I never met. Would you consider that bad?"

"I would," Dee said, fighting down a smirk. "If I wasn't in the same situation too."

The man's dark eyes widened. "You're here for the PTSD programme?"

"Yup." Dee grinned and stuck out his hand. "Dee Latener; crazy person number one."

"Oh crap," the man replied, running a hand through his shoulder length hair in embarrassment before he took Dee's hand and shook it firmly, a smile working its way onto his face. "Danny Murphy; crazy person number two and big mouth extraordinaire."

Dee laughed. There was something instantly likeable about Danny, and Dee felt glad that at least one person on the programme looked to be a similar age instead of all the burnt out, near retirement age cops he had imagined.

"So, I'm guessing you're not from around here, Dee?" Danny asked once the introductions were over.

"New York," Dee replied, finding his cigarettes and offering his new companion one, which he took gratefully.

"That's a hell of a long way to come," Danny said after letting out a low whistle.

"I guess they thought I was crazy enough," Dee chuckled, embracing the beer buzz that had settled upon him. "What about you, where are you from?"

"About five miles down the road," Danny said in a strong Mancunian accent, frowning at the comical injustice of the situation. "You get to travel halfway across the world and I get to sit on my doorstep. Great…"

"Tough luck, Murphy," Dee laughed.

"Yeah," Danny continued, "All the guys at the station think I'm just here to check out the gay village."

"I was told that was a good night out," Dee remarked.

Danny rolled his eyes. "Yeah, if you want to watch a load of effeminate men pawing each other. I swear, I can spot queers a mile off."

"Really?" Dee replied with a grin. "You'll have to show me some time."

Conversation ceased temporarily as they ordered more drinks. "So what are you, Dee? Copper, fireman, paramedic?" Danny asked, downing the last of his first pint and handing the empty glass to the passing barman.

"Cop," Dee replied. "You?"

"Same here."

The two men turned as a woman entered the bar and looked around nervously. She looked to be in her early forties with short auburn hair cropped into a style that gave her features a slightly elfin appearance. She was pretty, but there were lines on her face that gave her a look of prolonged worry and anxiety. She was about to head to the bar when a man stepped into the room behind her and put a hand gently on her shoulder. She looked surprised until the man introduced himself and her face broke into a smile as she took his hand.

The two policemen at the bar watched as the woman left the bar before the silver haired man headed over to one of the corner booths, where a man was sitting reading a newspaper. A second introduction took place before the red headed man folded up his paper and exited as the woman had done. The man left behind looked around until his eyes fell upon the two policemen at the bar and he headed in their direction.

"Dee Latener and Danny Murphy, I presume?" he said as he approached, pointing at each man in turn, a friendly smile lighting up his weathered features.

"Yes…"

"And yes," the two men replied.

"Jack Bradford," he said as he shook the men's hands, his name enough to tell them that this was the man given the task of saving them from themselves. "Good trip, Dee?"

"Not bad," the ebony haired man replied, nodding.

"Danny, you got here okay?" There was humour in his blue eyes that twinkled; reminding Dee of a kindly grandfather.

"Oh, it was a nightmare," Danny chuckled. "Five miles of pure hell, I tell ya!"

The three men laughed, as Jack gestured for them to follow him. "Well, I've sent your colleagues through to the small conference room. We've got that booked for the next hour so we can meet each other properly before you go to dinner."

The two policemen nodded, recalling that the note had told them that they could go straight there if the thought of meeting a group of strangers in the bar was too intimidating. There were two more people to make up the complement of six and Dee presumed they had taken the second option. Maybe it was a good sign that he could cope with going into a bar alone. Maybe he wasn't as fucked up as he'd first presumed.

He stood from his bar stool and followed Danny and Jack out to the conference room. No one asked how his leg had gotten broken; maybe they suspected it was all part of the horrors he had come here to face. He suspected Jack Bradford knew; Polly had explained that he had been sent Dee's file so he could familiarise himself with the background details prior to his arrival. The way he had confidently introduced himself to everyone so far told Dee that he had studied each of them carefully before they had gotten here.

"So Dee; how's Polly?"

Dee looked surprised. "She's okay. How'd you…?"

"She's my niece."

"Oh."

Jack sensed the other man's unease and touched his arm, stopping Dee from entering the conference room behind Danny.

"It's okay, Dee," he said gently. He'd worked with enough people to know that paranoia affected even the most stable people at a time like this. "She didn't tell me anything other than what I needed to know professionally. All she did say was that she'd been working with someone very special."

The smile and the touch on his arm were sincere and Dee nodded, knowing deep down that Polly would not have betrayed him in any way. On Jack's invitation, he entered the conference room to find the other five people he was to spend the next month with, already seated in a circle. He took the empty seat next to Danny and laid his crutches down, smiling quickly at those that he made eye contact with. As well as Danny and the man and the woman he had seen in the bar, there were two other men, both of whom looked similarly uncomfortable to be there.

"Okay," Jack said, coming into the room and closing the door before he took the remaining empty seat. "Firstly, I'd like to welcome you all here. I know some have come further than others, but I trust that you've all had a safe journey. Now I know most of you will be eager to go and get something to eat, but I think it is important to get to know each other a little first."

He smiled at the group, studying the faces of the people he had come to know through written information and a single photograph. "I know people hate doing this but it's best to get it out the way quickly. Just say a little about yourself, what you enjoy doing, etcetera. Well, I guess I'll start. My name is Jack Bradford, I'm fifty seven years old and I'm a retired police officer from Greater Manchester Constabulary. I live with my wife Eileen and have two grown up daughters, Kerry and Rachel. In my spare time I enjoy playing golf and watching TV."

He stopped and looked to the person on his left; the red headed man Dee had seen in the bar reading a newspaper. The man cleared his throat before he started to speak in a broad Scottish accent. His dark eyes were hard and flat; his expression said he was uncomfortable baring his soul, even in this minor way.

"My name is Duncan McDonald and I'm forty six years old. I'm a fireman with Edinburgh Fire Department. I live with my wife, Susan and our two kids, Peter who's thirteen and Rebecca who's nine. I like fishing and restoring classic cars."

Jack smiled as he finished. "Thank you, Duncan." He looked to the man next to Duncan and nodded. He was short, with a slim build and a handsome, mostly unlined face. When he started to speak, his left leg began to jiggle, undoing the credibility of the forced confidence in his voice.

"My name is Richard Jones, I'm thirty six and I live with my girlfriend, Sarah. We have one son, Jake, who's seven and I'm a paramedic with Yorkshire Ambulance Service. I play amateur rugby in my spare time."

His tapping foot stopped as he ceased speaking. Next to him, the only woman in the room clasped and unclasped her hands as her turn came around. She looked at Jack and smiled shyly at him.

"I'm Jenny Norris. I'm forty two and married to Steve. We have three children; Andrew, eleven, Katie who's eight and Sophie who's five. I'm also a paramedic, with Sussex Ambulance Service and I enjoy spending time with my family when I'm not at work."

The man next to Jenny looked up as she stopped speaking and shifted in his seat. He had a blank expression and when he spoke, his strong Irish accent had a similarly bored note to it.

"My name's Kieran Patrick, thirty five, single and a fireman from Dublin. I like watching sports." He stopped abruptly, his hard eyes meeting Jack's and communicating very clearly that he had finished. Unfazed, Jack nodded in his grandfatherly way and turned to Danny sat next to the defensive Irishman.

"Um hey…" Danny began. "My name is Danny, Danny Murphy; I'm twenty six and a policeman here in Manchester. I live with my girlfriend, Lisa and she's expecting our first baby. I love football; a Manchester City fan through and through. Guess that's about it…"

"Thanks, Danny," Jack said with a smile. "I support Man United but I'll not hold it against you." He turned to Dee. "And last but by no means least…"

Dee nodded and returned the smile, knowing that that was his cue.

"My name is Dee Latener, I'm twenty nine and a detective from New York. I live with my partner, Ryo and his adopted thirteen year old son, Bicky. Ryo is also my partner at work." He paused and suppressed a grin, knowing Danny would be goggling at him right about now. "I'm a sports fan, mainly basketball but I'll watch most things."

"Thank you, Dee," Jack said when he had finished. "Well, that's your hard work out of the way for today. I'm sure all of you are hungry and I promise dinner is just around the corner. If anyone has any questions about then feel free to ask now or hang back before you go to eat. I'm not staying here but I have an office, where you'll attend for your daily group and individual sessions only two streets away. You'll all have a list of phone numbers so you can reach either myself or my colleague Lou, who you'll meet tomorrow."

He paused and glanced around the group. "Let me remind you that you are under no obligation to be here. You're free to leave at any time but I would ask that if you are thinking of quitting then please come and talk it through with either me or Lou first."

He smiled gently, checking for any reaction to the news that they would not be forced to stay. "I've found there are very few things that cannot be resolved so _please_, don't keep it to yourself. Although I haven't experienced your personal situations, PTSD is a common enemy and in that sense, I _have_ been where you are now so I _do_ understand."

When there were no questions, Jack slapped his hands on his thighs and made to stand. "Okay, well let's go eat." As the group made to stand, Jack looked to two of the members. "Dee? Richard? Can I have a word please?"

Dee took up his crutches and made his way over to where Jack and Richard were standing as the others filed out of the room.

"I just wanted to let you know that I've informed the hotel of your dietary requirements. You're welcome to choose off the regular menu if you want but there is a specific diabetic option available if you ask."

The two men said their thanks before they set off to join the rest of the group.

"So you're diabetic too?" Dee asked as they walked along together. He got some small comfort every time he met someone else who had to follow the strict regime of a diabetes lifestyle.

"Since I was six years old," Richard replied, his easy smile replacing his earlier nervousness. "How 'bout you?"

"Diagnosed about six weeks ago."

"With type one?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, that's pretty late to develop it."

"So I've been told."

"So how are you finding the routine?" Richard asked as he held the door through into the hotel reception.

"Okay, I guess. I've only had one major slip so far."

Richard nodded. "That's pretty good."

"Thanks. It's nice to know there are others out there." Dee paused as Richard went to open the door into the dining room. "I'm just gonna go ring my partner Ryo, let him know I got here okay." He glanced at his watch. "He should be in work about now. Can you tell them I'll take the diabetic option whatever it is?" He smiled a wry smile as he looked across to the elevator. "No point in tempting a second slip. I'm not too good at knowing what I should and shouldn't eat."

"Sure," Richard agreed as he disappeared to join the rest of the group.

After working out the time, Dee called Ryo at the precinct, Drake answering the phone when it stopped ringing. They had a brief conversation before the handset was passed to Ryo, his dulcet tones both calming him and making him wish he was back at home. Dee smiled as his lover thanked him for the flowers he'd arranged to be delivered just before he had left. They made other small talk, aware of the cost of the transatlantic call before reluctantly Dee hung up, wondering how he would cope without seeing Ryo in the flesh for four whole weeks.

As loneliness crept upon him, Dee headed back down to the hotel restaurant, needing the company of even the people he had just met. As he entered the dining room, he saw Danny waving him over to the seat he had saved next to him.

"Everything okay?" he asked as Dee worked his way into the chair.

"Yeah, fine," Dee replied, eyeing the meal that was set down in front of him, relieved that it looked good. "It's weird to think it isn't even lunchtime yet back home."

At first, the conversation was stilted and awkward between the six strangers, the topics mostly revolving around the meal and what they thought of their accommodation. The complementary bottles of wine soon assisted the passage of time and the conversation became more relaxed as a result, continuing as they moved through into the bar afterwards.

Despite being the only woman, Jenny seemed surprisingly comfortable with the male group, forcing Dee to reconsider his initial observations of her. Robert was also amiable; even Duncan seemed to open up a little as they sat in the bar talking about their lives. Only Kieran remained aloof, disappearing shortly after the meal, saying he was going for a walk.

Of all of them, Dee found that it was still Danny that he felt he had most in common with as they laughed and joked like some kind of comedy double act. When Dee went to the bar, the other man offered to help. Dee had ordered the round of drinks when Danny joined him, fresh from the bathroom.

"You don't drink much, do you?" Danny chuckled, eyeing Dee's choice of beverage.

"I'm a reformed alcoholic," Dee replied flatly, his expression deadpan.

Danny looked mortified. "Oh God, Dee. I'm _sorry_. Shit…" he said, covering his lower face with his hand. "Why'd I keep putting my foot in it?"

He looked surprised and then relieved when Dee burst out laughing. "I'm kidding, really. I'm diabetic so I can't drink too much alcohol."

"Oh," Danny replied, glad that he hadn't offended his new companion. There was a pause before he decided to address something else that was bothering him. "Listen, Dee. I didn't mean any offence before when I was talking about the gay village. I mean, I know a couple of gay guys so I'm not prejudiced or anything…"

"I'm not gay."

"Huh?"

"I'm bisexual. It's different."

Danny seemed to consider this for a moment. "Well still, I hope you weren't offended."

Dee shook his head as he gripped two of the beer bottles between the fingers of his left hand, keeping his right free for his crutch. "I may be a queer but I still have a sense of humour."

The evening passed quickly and as Dee retired to bed, he felt a spark of hope that maybe the month would be survivable. The other five people in the group were all decent, hardworking souls and as they had chatted and laughed, it seemed hard to believe that they had come together because they were all tormented by their own psyches. They had all come to save their jobs, relationships; maybe even their own lives. Having met and liked them all, Dee fell asleep praying it was a goal that they would all achieve in the end…

TBC…


	2. Bonding

**Crash and Burn – So Far Away**

Chapter 2 – Bonding

The therapy programme followed a fairly regular pattern from the start of the first week. The six people would meet after breakfast for group sessions whereas after lunch, Jack and his colleague Lou would provide individual sessions for each group member. The evenings and most of the weekends were free time, although the counsellors were always on hand to offer support at these times.

As the first day of sessions was drawing to a close, Jack Bradford sat and surveyed the copious notes he had taken about each of the six, combined with his colleague's observations from the individual sessions she had taken. After reading for over two hours, Jack sat back in his chair and massaged his eyelids. He'd been running the course for several years and had received excellent write ups for it in both psychiatric and police publications, but it never seemed to get any easier, particularly at the start. This was the stage where he had to reconcile his findings with his initial thoughts from their case files and as usual, he was right and wrong in equal measures.

Jack picked up the photo of the tall red headed man. _Duncan McDonald_, the attached note read. At the initial group meeting Duncan had seemed reserved and reluctant to take part although he had opened up a little more during the individual session that afternoon. In the morning group he had talked about his job, indicating to Jack that he would stick the programme out even if he didn't particularly enjoy sharing his more difficult experiences with others.

The next photo Jack uncovered was of Jenny Norris. Throughout the day she had seemed quite receptive and had contributed willingly. She was certainly a lot tougher than she looked. Jack smiled; the prognosis was looking good so far. Richard Jones remained difficult to judge. Like Duncan, he seemed self conscious about baring his soul but would hopefully come around in time. Away from the therapy setting he seemed more sociable than Duncan, which helped Jack believe that there was more beneath his hard exterior.

Kieran Patrick was proving to be more hostile, Jack thought as he picked up the photograph of the sullen Irishman and studied it closely. He clearly disliked the thought that people felt he needed help and Jack was well aware that he had been all but threatened into coming by his employers, who were nearing the end of their tethers at his violent outbursts and unreliability. Getting Kieran to open up was likely to be the biggest challenge of the month ahead.

Jack dropped the photograph in amongst the sheath of papers and reached for another file. Danny Murphy. The picture showed the young policeman grinning broadly; an expression that seemed to sum up everything Jack had learnt about him so far. Danny also seemed quite agreeable to the therapy sessions, which was encouraging. The ex-policeman then picked up the last of the photographs; a glossy image of Dee Latener, the cop from New York.

As he was studying the photo of the handsome dark haired man, there was a tentative knock at the door.

"Jack? Are you in there?"

"Yeah, come in, Lou," Jack called out, recognising the voice of his colleague.

On his invitation, Lou Fletcher stepped into the room, smiling as she took the empty seat across from him.

"What you up to?" she asked, craning her neck to see what he had in his hands.

"Just evaluating the first day," he replied as he angled the photo of Dee towards her.

"I liked him," she said, gesturing towards the picture. "Nice guy."

Jack nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, my niece Polly liked him too. That's why I agreed to take him on the programme. He's holding a lot back though. Have you've seen the background information about what happened to him?"

"He was kidnapped, right?"

"Yeah… it's not surprising that he hasn't adjusted well to life back at work."

Lou tucked her long blond hair behind her ear and smiled sympathetically. "He talked a little about someone called Ryo, his partner. D'you know if that's a work colleague or a partner in the romantic sense?"

"Both actually."

Lou looked interested. "Could that be an issue?"

"I don't think so. He was completely open about his sexuality in front of the group. From what I can gather, that's the one area of his life where he _is_ settled."

The female psychiatrist nodded understandingly. "They seem like a nice group this time although I think that Kieran might be difficult."

"That was my first thought too," Jack said, massaging his temples as he looked down at the plethora of papers on his desk.

"Come on," Lou said with an easy smile as she stood and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Time you knocked off for the day. You can carry on saving the world again tomorrow."

Jack chuckled as she held the door for him, knowing that even now he needed reminding to leave his work at the office.

After breakfast the next day, the group met for their second session. The day before, they had talked about their jobs and why they loved them; today Jack wanted to know what had attracted them to their chosen careers in the first place. Jenny had talked of her love of helping people before Duncan explained how he had followed his father and grandfather into the fire service. He also spoke proudly of his son Peter who already was saying that he too wanted to follow in his father's footsteps.

Richard explained how his childhood diagnosis of diabetes had led him to an interest in a medical career. He had initially trained as a psychiatric nurse before being drawn to the emergency services by a friend who had worked as a paramedic for many years. Kieran as usual looked disinterested and didn't volunteer any information about himself, other than to say he had joined the fire service after leaving the army. Jack asked him a little about his time in the military but Kieran wouldn't elaborate beyond saying that he had served in the Gulf and had been discharged on medical grounds after being wounded in action.

When it was Danny's turn, the youngest member of the group grinned self consciously, stubbing out the cigarette he had been smoking as he listened to the others talk. He scrubbed a hand through his chocolate brown hair before he started.

"My dad, I never really knew him like, was a successful business man. He was also a complete bastard. He treated my mum like shit, especially when she told him she was pregnant. My mum never lied to me but I was a typical arrogant teenager and didn't believe her. I thought she must have done something to drive him away. I set out to track him down and meet him. I wanted to hear his reasons for myself."

His face clouded with anger. "He was exactly as my mum described. He told me I was waste of oxygen and I'd never amount to anything other than a common criminal." He paused and a wry smile crossed his features. "After I'd broken his nose I decided that he was right, or at least he _would_ be right if I continued the way I was heading. After that, I stopped messing around and getting into trouble. I thought about what he said and decided that instead of being a common criminal I would be the one to catch them." He shrugged and smiled. "That's about it. Not the greatest of reasons, I know."

Jack smiled, liking Danny's fire. Once certain that the younger man had finished, he turned to Dee.

"Dee? Would you like to talk about why you chose to become a policeman?"

The dark haired man nodded as he shifted slightly in his seat.

"I was abandoned as a baby in New York, in a box down an alleyway. I was found by a policeman called Jess Latener who took me to hospital. Apparently I nearly died since it was winter and had been outside for some time. I was then raised in an orphanage with Jess checking on me every so often. I took his surname since he was the closest thing I had to a father."

He faltered at the next part of his story; wanting everyone to think highly of Jess, as he did, but knowing the truth was unavoidable.

"Jess was a cop, but unfortunately a dirty one. When I was older, I found out he was involved in drugs. I confronted him about his activities and he tried to turn his back on it but the gang weren't prepared to let that happen. He was murdered by them but before he died, I promised him I'd be honest and try to live my life the way he couldn't. Up until then, like Danny I'd spent most of my life getting into trouble but suddenly I could see the big picture; where my life was heading if I didn't straighten myself out. Fortunately the orphanage funded my place at the academy and I became a cop as soon as I was old enough."

He thought of Jess and what the man would make of the fact that he was in therapy. The no nonsense cop would probably laugh, Dee thought dryly; he certainly hadn't been good at asking for help when he needed it.

Jack was full of praise for the morning session as they stopped for lunch. The six split up to make the most of the time before their afternoon appointments, but not before arranging to meet for their evening meal, Kieran included. Dee's second session with Lou went well again. He felt relaxed in her company, telling her much about the background that she needed to know in order to help him. Like Jack, she quickly realised that his sexuality was not an issue as he talked about his partner, the man known as Ryo. She used that love to show him that he had it within him to beat these difficulties; that the tenacity he had shown when trying to win Ryo over was exactly what he needed to be rid of his PTSD.

Dee left the session feeling much more optimistic; an emotion he communicated to his lover when he rang him later on. Ryo sounded pleased by the good news, repeating several times how proud he was and how much he loved him before he went on to fill him in on the news back home. Dee chuckled as Ryo told him all about their night out; of JJ's drunkenness and Drake's unsuccessful attempts to find romance.

"Bet you saw all the action," Dee said, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder as he smiled.

Ryo laughed, embarrassed. "No competition for you, my love."

"Ah, so you did then?"

"Dee…"

"I'm kidding!" Dee reassured, knowing Ryo was uncomfortable with the unwanted attention. "I miss you though."

"Damn, I miss you too, Dee. Bicky and Cal say 'hi' too."

"Is he behaving himself?"

"Believe it or not, but yes."

The conversation ended shortly after as Dee realised the appointed meeting time he had arranged with the group earlier was drawing near. He had changed and was in the middle of his insulin when there was a knock and knowing it would be Danny, he called out "Come in, it's open."

"Hey, are you rea…?" the younger man started to say before he saw Dee injecting into his arm. The look on his face told Dee he was presuming the worst, knowing people turned to all sorts of addictions to help them through difficult times.

"Diabetes,  remember?" Dee said with a smile as he held out the vial of insulin.

"Sure," Danny replied quickly; too quickly, indicating that he was relieved that his initial assumption had been incorrect.

"Besides," Dee said, gathering up his crutches and heading towards Danny and the door. "I save the hard stuff for _after_ I've eaten."

They both laughed as they went to meet the others.

Surprisingly, since he was missing Ryo badly, Dee found that the first week passed quickly. The therapy was manageable and he found that all the talking about his job had renewed his love for his chosen vocation. They hadn't touched on the traumas that had brought them together in the first place; that was still to come, but all in all, Dee felt that things were going okay.

As a group, the six had eaten together most nights, despite not being obliged to spend time in each other's company beyond the morning group sessions. Even Kieran had opened up a little, although he still wore an air of bored indifference for the most part. At the end of the first week, the group decided to eat out; a kind of celebration for making it through the initial seven days. It was Friday night and with no therapy sessions for the next two days it was time to relax.

They had chosen an Indian restaurant in Rusholme, along what was known as 'the curry mile'. Being local, Danny directed them towards an establishment that he recommended. The two taxis dropped them off at the door as the visitors surveyed the endless rows of neon fronted restaurants that stretched as far as the eye could see.

"It's changed a little round here," Danny explained as they were shown to their seats. "Until recently, most of the restaurants didn't have liquor licences so people brought their own drinks. There are still a few places like that but most of them now serve alcohol. We've raided a couple of places that have started serving alcohol without a licence."

"Have you checked this one?" Kieran said dryly. "Wouldn't look good for two policemen to be eating in a dodgy restaurant now would it?"

Danny frowned, not sure whether the Irishman was making fun of him or not. Most of Kieran's interactions were like that, with the potential to offend. Happy to be out and relaxed at the thought of a free weekend, Danny shrugged the comment off as the waiter brought over the menus.

Not sure which dishes were best suited to his diet, Dee was glad that Richard, a fellow diabetic was on hand to help. The other man indicated which meals to avoid until the American had chosen and ordered. When the waiter had gone away, Jenny smiled gently at Dee, who was sitting across from her.

"My brother has diabetes," she explained, having gleamed from Dee and Richard's conversation what was going on. "He's like a walking fact file of what he can and can't eat."

"Bet he's fun at parties," Kieran said quietly.

Jenny shot him a withering glare. "He's also a stand-up comedian so actually he is."

Next to Dee, Danny sniggered, amused at how proficient the deceivingly waif-like woman was at putting Kieran in his place.

"Has he ever performed in Manchester?" Dee asked, trying to keep the mood right. "The taxi driver that brought me from the airport said there were a couple of good comedy clubs in the city."

"I think so," she replied, nodding thoughtfully.

"I prefer sitcoms myself," Richard joined in, pausing briefly for a drink. "No offence, Dee but I'm not so keen on some of the American stuff. Frasier's good but I can't stand Friends."

Dee grinned. "No offence taken. I don't watch it."

"I like Friends!" Danny said indignantly.

"You would," Kieran muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Well what d'you watch?" the young policeman growled, glaring at the other man over the top of his pint glass.

Kieran shrugged as he fiddled with his cutlery. "I don't bother with TV."

"He's got a point. TV nowadays is terrible," Duncan said with a smile before he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.

"So what _do_ you do for fun?" Danny asked challengingly; clearly not prepared to let Kieran off the hook so easily.

The conversation ceased temporarily as the waiter returned with their meals. Once he'd gone again, Danny resumed staring straight at Kieran, waiting for an answer. It was hard not to dislike the surly Irishman; he certainly didn't even try to be civil on occasions. Danny however, wasn't the least bit intimidated.

"Well?"

Kieran shrugged. "Since you're so interested, I play Gaelic football and drink."

Richard laughed. "Stereotypical Irishman, huh?"

"That I am," Kieran replied, smiling slightly; a gesture which seemed to clear the air a little with everyone except Danny.

The food was excellent and for the remainder of the meal, conversation managed to steer clear of anything that would antagonise either the sullen Irishman or the hot headed Mancunian. It was a well deserved break; a chance to be ordinary human beings and all pronounced the evening a success; agreeing that they would do it again soon.

For Dee, the weekend ended far too quickly, especially when it became clear that the focus of the next week's therapy was to be much more related to the incidents that had brought them there in the first place. Despite many sessions with Polly, he'd always stayed away from talking about the actual events of his kidnapping. She'd allowed him to avoid the subject, not wanting to push him before the trial, since that in itself was bound to be highly stressful for the already traumatised man. He knew that if they'd continued their sessions, he would have had to talk about what had happened eventually but the PTSD programme had come up first, leaving the responsibility to Jack Bradford and Lou Fletcher.

Lou, who was overseeing Dee's individual sessions had learnt how he'd clammed up in the group session on the first day of the second week. Over lunch, she discussed how she should proceed with Jack.

"You need to be firm," the ex-policeman insisted. "He'll gain nothing if he leaves here without ever talking about what happened to him."

"I know," Lou said, wiping her mouth with her napkin. "I just wanted to be sure that I should be pushing him."

"You have to. We've spent a great deal of time looking at theories of avoidance in the group sessions so he should be realising that bottling things up is ultimately causing him damage. Polly had put in his notes that he was initially very defensive and quite aggressive at the thought of needing help. It was only when she mentioned how refusing help can damage relationships did he come round to the idea."

Lou nodded thoughtfully, finally seeing a ray of light. "So if I get him to focus on the fact that he needs to do this for Ryo as well as himself…?"

"You _should_ make progress," Jack said, smiling up at the waitress as she cleared away their plates. "If you feel you're getting nowhere then I can take over his sessions."

"And get Kieran instead?" Lou replied with a wry smile. "No thanks."

By the time Dee arrived at the offices for his afternoon appointment, the female psychologist had sufficiently psyched herself up for the session; hoping that the tack she had chosen to take would help them make progress.

"Hey, Dee," she said with a welcoming smile as he worked his way into the room on his crutches. "Good morning?"

"Not bad," he replied, lowering himself into the chair.

She sensed his unease and correctly concluded that he was dubious about the content of the afternoon's session. She needed to put him at his ease if they were to get anywhere.

"I know Jack worked you all pretty hard this morning so I thought we'd start with something nice and easy."

"Which is?" Dee asked, his eyebrow raised in curiosity. He noticed she had brought out an ashtray, which had been placed on a side table within his reach. Maybe she thought he'd need it.

"I want you to tell me about you and Ryo if that's okay with you."

Dee nodded. "Sure; what d'you want to know?"

"Take me right back to the beginning," Lou said with a smile as she crossed her legs and leaned back in her seat. "Tell me about when you first met and what attracted you to him."

Her plan was working as he smiled, the tension in his body easing slightly.

"It was hard not to notice him," Dee began, wondering if he'd ever get tired of mentally reliving or verbally retelling this story. "I was getting chewed out by the chief in his office when there was a knock at the door. The chief ignored it; hell, I don't think he even heard it over the sound of his own voice so Ryo decided to come in anyway."

Lou smiled as he drifted into his own memory during the pause.

"Detective Randy McLain," he said, recalling the blond's introduction.

"Was it love at first sight?"

"Not quite," Dee replied, shaking his head. "I was too busy being angry since the chief suddenly announced I was to be partnered with 'the new guy'. I never really looked at him properly until we were out of the office."

"And then?"

"_Then_ I fell in love. I mean, he's really something. I was totally struck by his eyes, you know? He's half Japanese so he has the darkest eyes you've ever seen." He stopped suddenly and blushed. "You don't wanna hear all this, do you?"

"Sure I do," Lou chuckled. "Who doesn't love a great romance! But tell me, why'd you call him Ryo?"

Dee smiled, still half immersed in the memory. "When I saw his eyes, I asked him if he had Japanese in him. When he said he did, I asked him if he had a Japanese name. Don't ask me how I knew he'd have one but he did. He also seemed pretty surprised that I'd know something like that but he told me it was Ryo. I've never called him anything else."

"Did you make it clear how you felt about him?"

"Not right away. I wanted to see if he gave me any signs that said I wouldn't be wasting my time by pursuing him."

"And did he?"

"Kind of. To be honest, I went a little crazy when I was around him. I'd tell him I loved him and then say I was joking. I guess I was frightened of his response if I told him I was being serious."

"Sounds like you had it bad," the pretty psychologist remarked.

Dee laughed. "Something like that. I worked up the courage to kiss him totally out of the blue on a couple of occasions, just to see what he would do."

"And?"

"And he'd usually punch me or yell at me but there was just _something_ that told me to keep trying. Soon, he stopped pushing me away as quickly, although he still insisted he wasn't gay."

"I'm amazed you didn't give up," Lou said, genuinely impressed by his perseverance.

"It was worth the wait," Dee said confidently. He stopped, waiting for her next question.

"So why d'you think you have such a good relationship, Dee?"

The dark haired man thought about the question for a moment. "I guess we balance each other out. Yin and Yang and all that crap, you know? Ryo is calm and I'm fiery although Ryo gets stressed whereas I'm more laid back." He paused and frowned. "Does that make sense?"

"Sure," Lou replied, nodding. "Would you say Ryo is a perfectionist?"

"_Definitely_."

"And you?"

A laugh was the response.

"So it's easy to see why Ryo gets more uptight about things than you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

There was a brief silence. Lou felt it was time to start moving in for the kill. "You've obviously got a good relationship with Ryo but do you feel it's changed at all since what's happened to you?"

Dee looked tense as his eyes narrowed, trying to decide whether they were still on a safe topic of Ryo or whether they were moving into more dangerous territory. Eventually he responded.

"I don't know; I guess it's brought us closer together. Everything that happened was big news in the States and Ryo was forcibly 'outted' by the media. His family didn't know he was gay and I think he found that hard."

Lou nodded, noting how he'd steered the discussion towards Ryo and away from his ordeal.

"Has Ryo talked about his own feelings about what happened?"

"Not really. I think he's trying to shield me from his worries."

"And how d'you feel about that?"

"Angry. Concerned. Frustrated." He stopped suddenly before letting his emotion flow. "I hate the fact that he thinks I can't cope; that he can't talk to me about things and thinks he has to deal with them on his own. I feel like a burden to him."

"What did Ryo think about you coming here?"  Lou asked, pushing the ashtray towards him as he fumbled in his pockets for his cigarettes.

"He thought it was a good idea but he was worried about me being away for so long." He lit the cigarette and inhaled slowly. "I think he forgets sometimes that I've looked after myself for twenty nine years. Sure, I love the fact that he cares but it irritates me that he now feels like he has to be the strong one all the time."

"Why are you here, Dee?"

The question surprised him and he looked up suddenly.

"For your job or for Ryo?"

"Both."

"D'you feel in danger of losing Ryo, Dee?"

"No," he said flatly, suddenly looking defensive. Her comment however had struck a chord. He worried a lot about Ryo leaving him and for her to say it out loud was too much. "I told you, we have a good relationship."

"I know," Lou said gently, not meaning to antagonise him, "but d'you think it'll stay that way if you continue to resent him for thinking you're weak?"

Dee opened his mouth to argue or at least tell her to shut up but a response never came. She was right. Everything came back to Ryo in the end and he knew he needed to fix even the seemingly unrelated things to put his relationship out of danger.

"What's your point?" he said in the end.

"I need you to talk, Dee. About what happened. Not about your relationship or why you love your job. About _you_ and what you went through. You're avoiding and you're stuck in this cycle. Just being here won't make you better, Dee. You need to talk but if you can't then you may as well go home now."

The suggestion hung ominously in the air for several long moments. It was a calculated risk and she was banking on stubborn male pride to gain the response she desired. For a second Lou thought he was about to leave and her heart hammered in her chest as she waited to see if her gamble had paid off.

TBC…


	3. Falling

**Crash and Burn – So Far Away**

Chapter 3 – Falling

Almost a full minute had passed before there was any sign of a reaction from the dark haired man. His slightly hostile expression suddenly changed to a look of defeat. After an internal struggle, he had resigned himself to his fate.

"It was a nightmare," he said slowly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I was scared and I'm not ashamed to say it."

The psychologist nodded reassuringly as she let out a relieved breath she hadn't been aware she'd been holding.

"At first it didn't seem real. I don't think I was frightened because the situation just seemed so crazy. I thought I'd be home within a few hours…" The sentence trailed off as he recalled how wrong he'd been.

"What made you start to become fearful?" Lou asked gently.

"I don't know… it's hard to remember."

She believed him, knowing that he would have all but forced himself to forget. "You need to go back there, Dee; to revisit what happened in your mind."

"I… I can't."

"You can. Remember, it's only a memory. In reality you're safe and you can come back to that any time. Memories can't hurt you."

After a short while he nodded, although he still looked reluctant.

"Okay, sit back and close your eyes. I need you to relax for me. Remember, I'm here and nothing can harm you."

When he had done as she asked, she began to speak softly; soothing words that would help him shake off the anxiety wrapped around his conscious mind.

"Okay," she said after a good five minutes had elapsed. "I want you to think back to when you first realised you'd been abducted. Tell me how you feel."

She watched his handsome features contort into a deep frown before he answered. "It's cold… I can't hear anything and I'm blindfolded so I can't see either. I can't remember how I got here.  When I try to move I find I can't. My arms are chained behind me."

"Are you afraid?"

"No… I have a headache and I'm cold and hungry but not afraid."

"Why not?"

"Because if I can't get out of here myself then Ryo will come and find me. I've been abducted before and Ryo came for me. I guess I'm not afraid because I don't think the situation is serious."

"Is there anyone there with you?"

"Not at first but soon someone does come. I feel relieved because I might be able to talk myself out of this situation."

"And are you?"

"No… I'm all part of his plan so he won't let me go. He takes my necklace… one Ryo bought me and takes a photo of me."

"How do you feel now?"

"Humiliated. Powerless." He swallowed hard. "He makes a comment about Ryo. How he's watched him. He knows our commissioner is attracted to him. I panic at this but I try to hide it. I can't let him see I'm afraid."

Ten, maybe fifteen seconds passed in silence. Eventually Lou spoke. "You've done really well, Dee," she said reassuringly, conscious not to push him too far when he had only just started to open up. "Now I want you to concentrate on the here and now. Remember what it's like to be home with Ryo. You're safe, both of you. Just as you really are because your ordeal is over. You're not in danger anymore, Dee."

She allowed him to rest a moment before she instructed him to open his eyes. The green orbs blinked open and came to rest on her encouraging smile.

"Well done," she said sincerely. "It might not feel like much but you've taken a really big step today, Dee. I'm very proud of you."

Her enthusiasm allowed him to smile; a small gesture that spoke of his relief as the terrible memories started to fade. Somehow, they seemed less terrible now he had spoken about them, and it made him hopeful for the future. If he could reduce all his nightmares to mere words that could be spoken as and when he chose, then nothing could stop him achieving the peace of mind he ached for.

"I think we'll call it a day for now."

He nodded his agreement as a sense of accomplishment grew within him. Lou showed him out of the therapy room where, in the corridor, he ran into Danny who had just finished his own session with Jack.

"Hey," Dee said, eager to capitalise on his good progress by meeting up with a friendly face. "How's things?"

"Great," Danny said with a broad grin that indicated his session had also gone well. "Looks like you had fun."

Dee raised an eyebrow at the strange choice of words but laughed anyway. "Yeah well, _now_ I feel like having fun. You game?"

The grin was unwavering as Danny patted him on the back. "You said the magic words, my friend."

Three hours later, the two men were in China Town, talking and laughing like long-time companions. Dee had called Ryo before they left, communicating his happiness that the programme was going well. His lover had been pleased to hear he was settled and making progress and the call had ended on a positive note.

Danny was equally buoyant; although the younger man always seemed to be in a good mood whenever Dee saw him and part of him wondered how, if ever Danny's PTSD manifested itself.

"So, tell me about Lisa," Dee asked as he spooned some more rice onto his plate.

Danny looked up from his own plate and smiled. "Not much to tell really. We met at high school and have been together since we were fifteen."

"Childhood sweethearts, huh?"

"Something like that," Danny chuckled. "She's the only person who'd put up with me." His smile slipped suddenly. "Especially lately."

Dee sensed he was referring to the difficulties he too had experienced as a result of his PTSD. He was about to offer some words of comfort when the grin was back in place; Danny clearly shaking off the melancholy as quickly as it had descended.

They talked a little of their companions as they finished their meals; both coming to the conclusion that they liked them all with the possible exception of Kieran. Danny was more vocal than Dee in expressing his dislike for the Irishman although Dee agreed that he didn't exactly endear himself to the group. Danny snorted and made a comment about that being the understatement of the year before conversation turned to less controversial topics.

The night was still young so after they had eaten they decided to move onto some bars. Canal St was nearby and Danny said he was happy to go; feeling like he needed to prove to Dee that he was comfortable around homosexuals. Dee had told he didn't mind if they went somewhere else but it seemed the most logical choice when it was so close and he was still on crutches.

They settled into a bar called The New Union, finding a table in a corner where they could talk away from the pulsating beat of the music. Despite his claims, Danny's eyes were on stalks as all around them same sex couples flirted and laughed with each other. Dee excused himself and went to the toilet leaving Danny to do some more people watching. Canal St seemed to be the one place in Manchester where gays and lesbians could be their true selves without fear of intimidation and persecution; this was their territory and he almost felt like he was intruding. He saw Dee emerge from the restrooms and get stopped by a man who looked to be in his early twenties, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans with several piercings in both ears. The man had his hand on Dee's arm in a friendly gesture as a conversation took place. Eventually Dee pointed in Danny's direction and the man smiled and nodded before Dee set off back to his seat.

"What was that about?" Danny asked. "And why did you point at me?"

"He was asking if I fancied a drink. I told him thanks but no thanks because I was here with my boyfriend."

Danny's eyes were like saucers. "You said…"

Dee laughed out loud. "I'm kidding. I said I was out with a friend but I did have a partner back at home."

"Oh right. I need the toilet but I'm almost frightened to go," the younger man said, standing and stretching. "I don't wanna get chatted up."

Dee lit a cigarette and spoke with it clamped between his lips. "Oh you won't. Have you never heard of a 'gaydar'?"

Danny frowned and shook his head.

"You've got 'straight man' written all over you. Trust me, you'll be safe."

Danny could hear Dee laughing as he walked away and he too chuckled, shaking his head at his companion's sense of humour. Despite what Dee said, he kept his head down as he walked to the restroom, repeating the action when he returned to his seat. While he had been gone, two highly flamboyant men had sat down at the table next to them and were arguing loudly, gesturing wildly and pouting each time the other was speaking.

"Jeez," Danny said, rolling his eyes as he settled back into his seat. "What are those guys on?"

Dee laughed, recalling similar types on the New York gay scene when he had first been questioning his sexuality as a teenager.

"I mean, you're nothing like that," Danny went on, his eyes still fixated on the argument across from them.

"That's because I'm 'non-scene'," Dee grinned from behind his drink. "And besides, I'm…"

"Not gay?"

"Exactly."

"Well I think I'm glad," Danny said finally turning to face Dee. "I don't think I could cope with a month of pouting and flouncing."

"Flouncing?" Dee chuckled, with a raised eyebrow. "I don't think there's any danger of that."

After they had stopped laughing, Danny went to the bar, returning with two more drinks. For a moment they sat in reflective silence, watching the people coming and going around them. The arguing couple were no longer shouting, clearly getting closer to resolving their differences.

"So when did you know you were… bisexual?" Danny asked.

The American shrugged as he lit a cigarette. "Dunno… fifteen, sixteen, something like that."

"Wow," Danny replied as he accepted Dee's lighter and started on a fresh cigarette of his own. "So what's Ryo like then?"

Dee took a long drink, green eyes twinkling at the mention of his favourite subject. "Tall, blond, completely gorgeous. Absolutely enormous…" He let the sentence hang for a moment as Danny's eyes widened. "Brown eyes," he finished, grinning as he sensed where Danny's mind had gone in that pause.

"Dee!" Danny complained loudly, "Great! Now you've got me thinking about cocks!"

He had raised his voice over the music, which suddenly ended making his last sentence far louder than it needed to be. The arguing couple stopped speaking before they burst out laughing. Danny blushed profusely; his cheeks on fire beneath his hazel eyes.

"Now look what you made me do," he grumbled as Dee laughed until he was short of breath.

"Come on," the American replied, downing the rest of his drink and getting into his crutches. "Let's go before you get us both in trouble."

By the middle of the second week, Jack noticed Dee's increased participation in the group sessions and commended his colleague over the change. Lou reported how the individual sessions seemed to be going well, with Dee talking more about what had happened over the first few days of his abduction. It was all going well she told Jack, not realising that she was speaking too soon…

Wednesday's afternoon session had started well enough. As with the last few days, she helped him relax into an almost trance-like state before starting to gently probe, extracting repressed information from the recesses of his mind. As they talked through the days sequentially, he found it more and more difficult to recall anything about his experiences. She knew from Polly's notes that he had succumbed to the fever at this point so it wasn't surprising that he couldn't remember much, but what he did manage to recall had become increasingly disturbing. Lou realised that Dee had genuinely believed the hallucinations and she was having a hard time trying to talk him around and convince him that they weren't real, even though they were all centred around Ryo, who had repeatedly assured his lover that he had been unharmed while they were apart.

Just as they seem to be making progress, Dee began to talk about another period of lucidity. He talked of being in pain, both from his injuries and remaining chained in the same position for prolonged periods of time.

"I feel so sick; I can't remember the last time I ate anything. Suddenly the door opens and I hear footsteps. I hope he'll give me some painkillers this time. When he speaks, the voice is different. He tells me he's a friend of Liam's younger brother."

Lou frowned, although Dee never saw the gesture with his eyes closed. "Dee? This isn't Liam Patterson you're talking about is it? Was there someone else who came and checked on you besides him?"

The silence as she waited for an answer was suddenly broken as Dee's eyes flew open and he sat up, his breathing making a sharp rasping sound as he inhaled through a windpipe constricted in panic.

Getting over her initial shock, Lou  jumped into action, speaking to him a calm yet firm voice. At first it didn't seem to be working and she knew he was in danger of losing consciousness the longer the panic attack went on. He was clutching his chest, his expression pained as he was gripped by the symptoms of severe hyperventilation.

"Dee. _Dee_. Listen to me," she implored, rubbing his back soothingly. "Stay with me. Come on, you were doing well. Remember you're safe. Shhhhhhhhh."

He swayed in the seat as a lack of oxygen overcame him but gained control at the last second, stopping himself from slipping into unconsciousness.

"Slow, steady breaths, Dee. Well done," Lou continued, feeling a huge sense of relief that it hadn't been more serious. "Sit back and rest for a few minutes."

She tried to manoeuvre him back into the chair but his body was rigid. Clearly they had hit on something and judging by his reaction, it was something he had either repressed or genuinely forgotten all about until this moment.

"I have to go," he said suddenly, grabbing his crutches, wanting to get out of there and fast.

"Wait," she said, studying his deathly pale face as they both stood. "You should rest and then we can try to talk about what just happened then…"

"_No_."

The response was final. His green eyes that were so often twinkling and full of life were suddenly hard and flat.

"Enough talking, I need to go."

Not certain how much damage had been done, Lou nodded and stepped out of his way, feeling helpless as he asserted his right to call a halt to the session.

"I really don't think you should go, Dee but I can't stop you if that's what you want."

He nodded, his eyes never meeting hers.

"Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow then. Take it easy, Dee and _please_ ring me if you need to talk sooner. You have my home number too."

"Fine," came the response although he was already out of the room and didn't look back as he said it. When he'd gone, Lou sank into her chair and swore. Just when they'd seemed to be making progress, the trust they'd built, like a precarious house of cards, had been toppled. Something else had happened to him, and she wondered whether she'd ever learn what it was.

By the time he'd reached the reception, Dee was sweating profusely, partly through the exertion of practically running on crutches and partly because of the images that had started to flash through his brain. It was as if up to that point they'd been safely contained behind a locked door, but now they were free and they were burning themselves into his brain no matter how much he tried to think of other things.

The girl on the reception desk smiled as he approached; familiar with the routine of ordering taxis to take their clients back to their lodgings.

"Mr Latener?" she called out as he passed. "Do you want me to call you a cab?"

There was no response as he disappeared out of the front door with a bang. On the street, Dee was relieved when he managed to flag down a taxi without too much effort.

"The Metropolitan," he said, climbing into the back.

The taxi driver glanced at him briefly in his rearview mirror but didn't say anything as he pulled out into the traffic. In the back, Dee closed his eyes, wishing that he could speed up this journey and be alone at last. The relief when he was finally alone in his room almost exploded from within him. He held it together for a few minutes longer as he called the reception desk and asked them to send a message to Danny. He couldn't face an evening meal in company and so he lied, asking them to pass on the message that he was staying in to await a phone call and he would see him tomorrow morning, also adding that he didn't wish to be disturbed. As soon as the receiver was back in its cradle, his will dissolved and he crumpled into a heap by the door.

"Oh God," he whispered, staring blankly ahead of him. "What _happened_ to me?"

Hours passed and still he didn't move. Even with his eyes pressed into the palms of his hands he could see the troubling images of his past. That in itself was a worry. He'd always assumed he'd been blindfolded the entire time so surely there wasn't anything to _see_. That flicker of a memory sparked into life in the session with Lou had now swelled into a full-blown flame; the horrible nightmares dancing before his eyes like the embers of a fire.

_He wants to hurt your partner, but I can stop him. I can help you… but I won't do it for free._

_He said you'd be my type…_

_Relax… I'm not gonna hurt you._

Lou's suspicions were correct; there _had_ been someone else besides Liam Patterson. He could remember him now. He had _seen_ him, in a mask of course, but he had definitely been allowed to see beyond the blackness of his blindfold on at least one occasion. But worse than sight, there was a memory of something else; of hands upon him and the recollection almost made him sick. Conversely, he felt like vomiting because he _couldn't_ remember.

"What did you do to me?" Dee said out loud, the buzz of a headache growing larger as it gnawed at his brain until he wanted to pound at his skull to make it go away. "What did you _do_?"

Several hours after he had returned from his session, Dee's self-imposed silence was broken by the beeping of his watch, the sound telling him his insulin was due. It was tempting just to ignore the irritating noise; maybe if he did that, he could ignore the fact that he needed to inject himself and eat something to keep his blood sugar levels stable. Half an hour passed, then an hour.

Unprompted, his thoughts suddenly turned to Ryo. He remembered how frightened the other man had looked when he'd been hospitalised because he had messed up his routine. The blond would be doubly anxious if he received word that his lover had been hospitalised whilst far away in a different country. He wouldn't put Ryo through that. Slowly, his legs stiffened through sitting on the floor for so long, he manoeuvred himself so he could reach for the small zip up bag by his bed. He pulled it onto the floor beside him and took out some of the contents.

His blood glucose monitor said he was high; not surprising since his injection was over an hour late. He loaded a disposable syringe with the right level of insulin before pulling his t-shirt up to expose his stomach. _So easy to overdose; go on __Dee__, do it_ he thought as he turned the needle this way and that, studying the silver tip with a strange sense of fascination. _If I did it, then by the time they found me it would surely be too late_ he thought, oblivious to the fact that minutes earlier he hadn't wanted to worry Ryo by forgetting to take his medication in the first place. Ryo would think it was a terrible miscalculation on his part; better that than the truth. His thoughts were a jumble and he knew he wasn't thinking straight.

He brought the needle down and let it rest against his abdomen, pushing on it slowly until it pierced the skin. There was no efficiency to minimise the pain; he wanted it this way, as if it would help atone for some of the sins he now knew he carried with him. Guilt and shame were overwhelming and now with failure added to this load, realising that he couldn't go through with suicide after all, he let the syringe drop to the floor and began to cry.

Darkness had fallen as he awoke in a messy heap on the floor at the end of his bed. He reached up and touched his face to find it still wet with tears and realised that he must have cried himself to sleep. His diabetes equipment was still spread around him, reminding him that he hadn't eaten. As he tried to sit up, he felt dizzy and slightly out of it; a feeling he correctly attributed to his blood sugar level now being too low. His hand groped for the packet of glucose tablets he carried with him in case of emergencies. It wasn't a meal, but it would do.

The feelings of dizziness and nausea slowly subsided, allowing his mind to return to other pressing matters. It was only as he thought of Ryo did the tears start afresh. How could he ever face him after what he'd done? Despite his self loathing, he had an overwhelming urge to speak to his lover. He didn't deserve it, but he needed Ryo's comfort. A quick mental calculation told him it was the early hours but time had ceased to be relevant. He dialled the number.

He was sobbing as the phone rang and when his lover came on the line he couldn't find the voice to speak. "Wait," was all that he managed to say to prevent Ryo from hanging up, suspecting a crank phone call when nobody had said hello. Ryo heard the tears, but Dee couldn't stop himself. He begged to come home but wouldn't tell Ryo why. Ryo listened and was sympathetic but he wouldn't give Dee his blessing to quit the programme.

_You don't understand,_ Dee thought as he listened to Ryo speaking words of love and encouragement. _You shouldn't love me; not now. I'm tainted…_

He could hear the pain in Ryo's voice and he felt guilty that he had forced his misery on the unwitting blond. In an attempt to make amends, he agreed to Ryo's request for him to stay and complete the programme. _Let him think you're okay… it's your problem, not his._

And when Ryo said he loved him Dee said the words back, fiercely meaning them no matter how hollow he thought they would ring if Ryo knew what had prompted the phone call in the first place.

Across the city, Lou Fletcher picked up the phone after staring at it for a full ten minutes. She dialled the number, feeling guilty at her actions, but it was answered before she could change her mind.

"Eileen?" she said, recognising the voice of Jack's wife. "It's Lou. I'm sorry to ring now but can I speak to Jack?"

The older woman went off the line to fetch him; not sounding at all annoyed by the late night intrusion. Thirty five years of marriage had taught her that Jack would always be married to his job as well.

"Lou? Is something the matter?" Jack asked as his strong masculine tones came on the line.

"I don't know, maybe. Probably."

"What's happened?"

Lou sighed, drawing warmth from the cup of coffee between her fingers. "Dee Latener. I think I may have blown things with him."

She proceeded to explain what had happened and her subsequent theories as to why he had reacted so strongly.

"You weren't to know, Lou," Jack said reassuringly. "There certainly wasn't anything in his notes or his police statement about someone else being involved. I think you've genuinely uncovered something that he's either forgotten or repressed."

Lou contemplated her next question, knowing it had to be asked. "Jack, was he ever examined for any sexual injuries?"

"Yes. He was fully examined when he was first admitted to hospital and none were found, although that only rules out sexual intercourse. Do you think something might have happened to him?"

"I don't know," she replied, shaking her head. "He said '_Please don't touch me_' in today's session. I know that could mean many things but his reaction was so strong. Call it a hunch, but I don't think it was physical violence he was afraid of when he said that. Liam Patterson was an overt homophobe but with the likelihood of more than one person involved, who knows what could have happened."

"You may be onto something, but be careful," Jack warned, despite knowing that she would heed the suggestion even if he'd never said anything. "He's bound to be quite volatile if all this is news to him too. We'll see what the morning brings; if he turns up for the group session."

"Will you let me know?"

"Sure. Now stop worrying. Everything will be fine."

They ended the call, but Lou still felt on edge, wondering how Dee was feeling at that moment and praying that he hadn't done anything stupid. She'd rung the hotel earlier on but they wouldn't tell her anything, other than he had requested not to be disturbed until the morning. She was tempted to go over there but grudgingly accepted that he needed his privacy to think things through on his own, as he had demanded. He didn't seem the suicidal type.

"Someone hurt you, Dee," she said out loud as she swirled the coffee around in the mug and stared into the near-black depths. "Please let me help you."

TBC…


	4. Surviving

**Warnings: See first chapter.**

**Crash and Burn – So Far Away**

Chapter 4 – Surviving

Half an hour before the start of the morning session, Jack was sitting in his office drinking coffee in an attempt to liven himself up. Despite his reassurances to Lou, he too was concerned about what had transpired the day before. The majority of the group seemed to be doing so well and yet problems with one or two seemed to overshadow their success. Kieran was also proving difficult in both the group and individual sessions. His traumas seemed deeply entrenched; many of his horrors coming from his days as a soldier as well as his stressful job as a fire fighter. Jack was trying his best to help him, but he wasn't sure if Kieran was ready to help himself.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. He correctly anticipated it would be Dee, who asked to be excused from the morning's session. The older man agreed on the condition that they would meet up after the group had finished. Dee reluctantly assented to his request, knowing he couldn't avoid Jack for the remaining two and a half weeks.

The others had been worried, but Jack explained his absence by way of a doctor's appointment. It was true they had arranged for someone to check on his diabetes management but that wasn't until the week after. Somehow the session seemed empty without him; they told Jack he hadn't eaten his meal with them the evening before and it was easy to see why they were suspicious about his absence.

When the group was over, Jack returned to his office to find Dee already there, having been shown in by his secretary. She had made him a cup of coffee but it remained largely untouched in front of him.

"Good morning, Dee," Jack said with a smile as he settled into his chair across from him. "The rest of the group really missed you today."

The younger man looked tired and pale, the pallor of his skin accentuating the redness around his eyes. It had clearly been a hard night. He nodded in response to the greeting but didn't say anything straight away. It was down to Jack to break the silence.

"Dee… I'm aware that you had a difficult session yesterday and I'm concerned that you didn't want to be part of the morning's group." Jack paused and rested his elbows on the beech coloured surface of his desk. "Are you wanting to quit?"

"I don't know," Dee said honestly. "Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I'm… I'm just finding it harder than I thought."

"That's expected. You've had a very difficult experience, Dee."

The younger man seemed to stiffen at his comment and Jack was quick to notice it. Suddenly the detective's shoulders sagged and he looked defeated.

"I know I need to talk about things if I want to move on but I just need to work some things out in my head first. I need some time."

"Okay," Jack said, nodding. "Come along to the morning groups and take part as best you can. You can take up with Lou when you feel ready. How does that sound?"

Dee contemplated Jack's suggestion before he nodded. The blankness of his expression made Jack think that Lou might be right; that the younger man _had_ experienced something beyond the violence and intimidation of his already horrific experience.

"Also, why don't you take a trip this weekend? Go and see some sights, relax, do tourist stuff." He smiled. "I'd hate this to be your only recollections of England after you've gone home."

His reward was a slight smile from the younger man. "I might do that."

Jack nodded and returned the smile, glad that they hadn't lost Dee completely. Lou was equally relieved to find out that his experience the day before hadn't totally destroyed his faith in the therapy process. She had a brief conversation with her client, although it related more to the weekend break she helped him organise.

When he told Danny what he was doing, the other man offered to come. Dee accepted the offer and as they travelled by car to their destination, he became more and more grateful of the other's company. Danny's infectious good mood helped take his mind off matters he couldn't bring himself to face.

"So why'd you pick Wales?" Danny asked as he navigated the hired car down a seemingly endless winding road. For the past hour, fields of sheep had been the only scenery.

"Lou said it was quiet here. Peaceful."

"Got that right," Danny grunted as they joined a slow moving line of traffic with a tractor at the front.

"Ryo would love it round here," Dee announced as they rounded a bend and the sea came into view. The blue grey expanse stretched endlessly into the distance, dwarfing the tiny sailing boats that bobbed on its surface. "He loves great scenery."

"Does he love cow shit too?" Danny replied, frowning and rolling up the window as the stench of animal waste assaulted their nostrils.

"And I thought _I_ was a city boy!" Dee laughed, glancing across at his companion's wrinkled-nosed expression and for a perverse moment thinking how similar Danny was to Bicky.

"Gimme a break! You can't deny that stinks!"

A further twenty minutes saw them reaching their destination; a small quaint looking fishing village called Porthmadog on the south coast of Wales. The white painted houses glistened in the early morning sun and as they pulled up outside the cottage they had booked rooms at, Dee was glad they had heeded Jack's suggestion to get away.

"You go and check us in, I'll park the car and bring in our bags," Danny said, pulling the car up to the front door so Dee could get out.

The proprietors of the guesthouse were a friendly elderly couple who insisted that their guests called them Pam and Steve. Dee liked them straight away, especially the fuss Pam made of him when she saw his broken leg.

"Oh, Sweetheart," she clucked, having to crane her neck upwards to look at the American's handsome face. "If there's anything you need then just say. Steve and I will take good care of you."

Despite paying for basic rooms, they insisted that Dee and Danny took the two bedroom ground floor apartment that they also rented out next door, at no extra cost. "That should make things easier for you," Steve had said as he'd carried Dee's bag for him.

The hospitality only served to increase Dee's feeling that he had done the right thing and as he gazed out of the window onto the pretty street beyond, he hoped that the solitude would give him time to get things straight in his mind before he returned to Manchester.

For the first part of the day, the two men ventured around the village, settling on where they were going to eat that evening before they jumped back into the car to explore further afield. They stopped in Abersoch at Danny's suggestion; a former fishing village on the coast that was popular with surfers. Dee immediately noticed the laid back atmosphere of the place, where every second shop sold surfboards, wetsuits or other water sport equipment. The surfers also brought the tourists, who filled the beaches, laughing and enjoying the British summertime which Danny explained was something of a rarity.

"We usually get about two days of sun and that's it. Then it's back to rain, rain and more rain and before you know it, it's winter again."

"Sounds depressing," Dee smiled as he blew a stream of smoke up to the clear blue sky before he went on, this time in a perfect English gentlemen accent. "I mean, God, this is just _awful_."

Danny laughed as Dee waved a hand to indicate their surroundings, which could only be described as beautiful as they watched the boats bobbing in the harbour; sunlight reflecting off their white painted hulls.

"Yeah okay, this isn't representative of British summertime. You got lucky, Latener."

The two men fell into quiet reflection as a group of teenagers pulled up outside the pub they were sat outside of and clambered their way out of the battered Mini Cooper they'd arrived in.

"Oh to be young again," Dee said wistfully as the small group walked past them into the pub, laughing and joking with each other.

"You're hardly old," Danny said, smirking into his pint glass as he took a long swig of beer.

"Yeah, I know. I just feel it lately."

Danny dropped the smirk and nodded understandingly. "Guess you had a pretty rough time, huh?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Dee said defensively; surprising himself with the speed of his instinctive response.

"Sure, mate," Danny said quickly. "No problem. D'you want another drink?"

Dee nodded, feeling embarrassed that he had snapped at the other man. "Thanks."

They headed back to their lodgings around six to get ready for their evening meal, having booked a table at a highly recommended Italian restaurant. They chatted easily throughout the meal, eventually retiring to the restaurant's lounge where Danny ordered another beer and Dee took a coffee. Nothing prompted the conversation but Dee suddenly felt he needed to mention what had happened earlier.

"I'm sorry about before, Danny. I didn't mean to go weird on you."

Danny looked up, his gentle brown eyes reflecting his surprise at the sudden topic shift. "Don't worry about it, Dee. I wasn't pushing you to tell me or anything."

The American was shaking his head before he could finish. "No, I was being stupid; hell, most of the US knows what happened to me." He looked away for a moment, watching a woman outside trying to manoeuvre her car into an incredibly tight parking space. "We, me and Ryo, were working on a suspected kidnapping job for a guy who's something of a celebrity back home." He paused and offered the other a humourless smile. "It was going fine… until I ended up being the one to get kidnapped."

"Shit… so what happened?" Danny asked.

"I was held in an abandoned warehouse for five days. This…" he said gesturing to his casted leg, "happened when the bastard that abducted me decided to jump on it. I guess he wanted to see if a human leg bone would take his weight."

Danny shook his head, trying to imagine how it would feel to have a bone broken in that manner. "That's sick… fucking hell, Dee…"

"Apparently, I nearly died. I had a wound on my face which got infected because of the shitty conditions I was kept in." Unconsciously he reached up and touched his cheek, still unable to believe that the damage had been repaired so successfully. The skin there was still shiny; a telling reminder that _something_ had occurred, but having seen the damaged flesh in the days following his rescue, Dee was more than happy with the result.

"And if that wasn't enough, I then found out that I was diabetic. Guess that all adds up to one fucked up cop."

"Jesus, Dee, you _have_ had a rough ride. Makes the rest of us look like frauds."

Dee shook his head emphatically. "Everyone's here for a reason."

"Still, I think you're doing really well given the circumstances," Danny said in genuine admiration.

"Thanks, but now _I_ feel like a fraud."

Danny looked confused until Dee explained.

"I have panic attacks. They're triggered by stupid things and, well, until I get over them, I can't get on with my life, no matter how things appear on the surface. It's just a mask."

Danny nodded. He knew all about masks. He'd been wearing one for as long as he could remember.

"I was on a call out," he said suddenly. "Nothing unusual; a known street thief and drug dealer had been seen in the city centre just as a large group of American tourists had lost some of their belongings. We went round to an address we knew he was staying at. Sounds crazy I know, but he was always straight up with us, we'd had so many dealings with him. That night though, he'd taken some bad shit and was completely off his head. We were totally unprepared when he pulled a gun on us."

The younger man stopped and scrubbed a hand through his shaggy brown hair. For once the smile was absent. "I was the only one out of the three of us that survived. My colleagues, my _friends,_ were both murdered by some small time fucked up junkie on a seriously bad trip. I watched them die and there's not a day that goes by when I don't think of them and feel guilty that I'm still here and they're not."

Dee's heart reached out to the troubled man. He knew he'd feel exactly the same if anything happened to Drake, Ted or JJ. "You shouldn't feel guilty, Danny," Dee said gently. "Although I know that's easier said than done."

"Yeah, I know," Danny replied, stubbing out his cigarette, the smile creeping back onto his face. "I'm getting that drummed into me every week day at two o'clock."

"Is it going okay?" Dee asked.

"Yeah, I think so. Guess the real test is when we have to go back into the real world. How 'bout you?"

Dee nodded, pushing aside the memories of his last session with Lou. "Yeah… it's helping.  And don't worry, I'm sure you'll ace that test."

Danny smiled. "You too, Latener. You too."

The following day, the two men planned to be back in Manchester by evening. Over breakfast, Danny received a phone call from a friend who lived about an hour's drive from Porthmadog. When the friend asked if Danny wanted to meet up with him, Dee told him to go; he'd come away to do some thinking so he was happy to spend the day on his own. As Danny brought the car around, Dee enquired as to where he could go to while away the hours, preferably away from the tourists. Steve told him of a little village not far from Porthmadog called Cricieth. There was a tiny beach and some castle ruins; pleasant, but not interesting enough to encourage the visitors. It was wild and unspoilt and perfect if he wanted some 'quiet time'.

After getting directions, Danny dropped him off in Cricieth. Pam and Steve had been right; the beach was shingle rather than sand and was only a hundred yards long before it terminated at a jagged cliff face.

"You sure you wanna get out here?" Danny asked, looking dubiously at their surroundings.

"Yeah," Dee replied, glancing up the sharp slope to the ruins of what once was a medieval watch tower.

"What about getting back?"

Steve gave me the number of a local taxi company. I've got my cell phone; I'll just call a cab when I'm ready to go."

"Sure?"

"Sure."

Dee watched as Danny drove away before he started towards the ruins. It was hard going; the ruins weren't a huge tourist attraction so there was no disabled access and it was difficult and dangerous for the man ascending the hill on crutches. He made it in the end however and the sense of achievement not to mention the burn of adrenaline in every sinew made him want to shout out in triumph at the tempestuous grey waters beyond.

His elation was quickly replaced by another extreme emotion; anger. Alone with only his thoughts for company, Dee was forced to consider what he'd learnt as a result of his last session with Lou. Something had happened to him; something he could only half recall. That in itself was frightening. There were snatches of memory but they were interspersed with longer blanks; periods where he couldn't recall what had happened no matter how much he tried. What he could remember left him cold and physically shaking.

_He's going to hurt them you know, your lover and the boy._

_He's tired of waiting and he's on edge._

_He's dangerous when he's like that._

_I can stop him, you know, if I wanted to. He owes me things, you see._

_But first, I want something from you._

The wind ruffled his already tangled hair, blowing loose strands into his eyes as he sat and stared out to sea. Before long, his cheeks were wet with tears as he sat on the wind-blow cliff top, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. Pain burned in his chest and even when his sobs eventually subsided, his body all cried out, he still felt no release. At a loss at how to assuage his grief and confusion, he let out a cry that quickly grew in power and volume. The action was raw and animalistic and he continued to yell until his lungs were empty of air.

If anyone heard him, then they weren't concerned enough to come and find out why he was shouting, leaving the response to the sea, which merely roared in blessed indifference of his pain. _You're on your own,_ it seemed to say, almost mocking him that he could never drown out the crashing of the waves down below with his own human effort.

A sense of numbness settled upon him as he climbed down from his vantage point to the beach below. The pebbles underfoot were loose and he didn't venture far until he chose somewhere to sit down, laying his crutches on the ground beside him. Surrounded by driftwood and other ocean detritus, his eyes fixed on the murky grey sea, watching as it inched towards his feet before racing back to join the swirling, swelling mass. Occasionally he would select a pebble, running his fingers across the smooth surface before he threw it into the water.

Minutes passed until the crunch of stones underfoot told him that he was no longer alone. He looked around to see a man further up the beach just about to let his dog off its leash. When he did so, the large brown creature spotted Dee and immediately bounded over.

"Tyson!" the man yelled. "Heel!"

The dog took no notice, almost leaping into Dee's arms. The American laughed at the beast's enthusiasm, half patting, half fending the dog off until the owner came running over.

"I'm really sorry," the man said, profusely apologetic. "He's young and stupid."

Dee laughed. "I think we all were once. He's a great looking dog; what breed is he?"

"An English Boxer," the man replied, hauling the dog away by his collar. It made a strangled sound before shaking out its entire body and bounding away to chase a couple of seagulls further down the beach. The man however didn't move. He watched the dog as Dee watched him. He had a weathered face but Dee had a feeling that he wasn't as old as he looked. There was wisdom in his features however that spoke of experience if not age. In turn, the man turned and looked down at Dee in concern, seeing a weariness that was out of place on such a handsome face.

"Are you okay?" the man asked, although he gestured to Dee's leg. "You weren't thinking of going swimming were you?"

Dee chuckled despite himself as Tyson returned and started to chew on some of the driftwood at his feet. "I'll pass. Looks a bit cold."

"Where you from?" the man asked, picking up a stick and throwing it for the dog, who chased after the airborne piece of wood excitedly.

"The States," Dee replied. "Just visiting."

"Yeah?" the older man replied as he hunted in his pocket for something. Eventually he pulled out a pouch of tobacco and some papers before he sat down on a rock beside Dee and began to roll a cigarette. "If you don't mind me saying, this is a strange place to come to."

"I'm actually staying in Manchester; work stuff, but I needed to get away for a while, do some thinking."

The man looked up from his task, his eyes a similar grey to the water, meeting Dee's. "Has it helped? Thinking can be dangerous at times."

He offered Dee the rolled up cigarette but Dee declined, instead taking out one of his own.

"I don't know," Dee said, eventually answering the question. "I don't feel any better so maybe you're right."

The man smiled. "I gave up thinking about things a long time ago. There's no point in keep raking over the past. It's done, gone. Can't change it no matter how much you want to."

The man paused and took a long drag of his cigarette, his rheumy eyes staring out to the horizon. "When I was younger, I did a lot of stupid shit. Hurt people that deserved better, you know? I made peace with everyone I could but my mother… well… she'd passed on. It ate me up that I couldn't say I was sorry to her. The memories of the way I treated her haunted me, playing over and over in my mind. In the end I realised that I couldn't keep on battling my conscience; it would always win and it was driving me insane."

"So what did you do?" Dee asked.

The man drew on the cigarette slowly. "I told myself that the terrible things I was remembering didn't really happen. I did a lot of drugs when I was younger so it was easy to confuse the memories with the crazy drug-induced shit that I experienced."

Dee frowned in disbelief. "Surely you're just lying to yourself?"

The man shrugged, completely unfazed by the criticism of his theories. "Like I said, thinking was dangerous. Sure, I tried the conventional route; therapy and such but it didn't work for me. I was going crazy, analysing everything over and over. If I'd carried on like that then I'd have probably killed myself. Maybe I _am_ lying to myself, but at least I was able to get on with my life."

He flicked the cigarette butt out towards the sea just as Tyson came charging back towards them.

"Well, good luck, son," he said standing and looking down at Dee with an expression that reflected his sincerity. "I hope you find what you're looking for." He smiled a wry smile. "My life may be a dream but at least I did."

He started off up the beach, whistling to the dog that followed after him in long, lumbering strides. Dee watched him go, the man's words starting to hold sway in his troubled mind. Could he do the same? Could he convince himself that these most recent and disturbing recollections were nothing more than fever-induced hallucinations? He didn't know, but as he crushed his own cigarette out on the pebbled floor, a new determination rose within him. He would do it; after all, they were only half memories anyway…

By the time he and Danny were on the road back to Manchester, Dee was resolute.

_Nothing_ had happened.

TBC…


	5. Fighting

**Crash and Burn – So Far Away**

Chapter 5 – Fighting

Dee went back into individual therapy at the start of the third week. Lou was slightly surprised to see him, even more so when he appeared calm, relaxed and ready to talk. To ease him back into the sessions, they talked over what they already knew; the feelings he had experienced as a result of being kidnapped. Lou was relieved to find he had no difficulty voicing his inner thoughts and feelings and she was preparing to offer him a break when he suddenly moved onto the subject she'd been anxious at bringing up. He explained about what he now believed were hallucinations; how the imagined presence of someone beside Liam Patterson had led to the uneasy feeling that he had been subjected to something other than physical or verbal abuse.

Lou listened and commented occasionally, trying to figure out what had brought about such a change in her client. He seemed confident that he had hallucinated another person, so much so that she felt wrong to question him. However, as the session ended and Dee left smiling and relaxed, she couldn't shake off the feeling that everything wasn't quite as it seemed.

"He's hiding something," she said sometime later when she had met up with Jack in their office. "It just felt… _wrong_."

"He _did_ have some very vivid hallucinations," Jack replied, playing devil's advocate as usual. "There is a chance that this could be one too."

"I know," the female psychologist said, studying with a frown the pen she'd absentmindedly been chewing for the last half an hour. "Call it gut instinct, but I just don't believe him."

Jack set down the papers he was holding and looked at her squarely. "Frankly I'm inclined to agree with you but we can't force these things on him, Lou. If he's trying to convince himself otherwise then we can only keep probing him gently and hope that he changes his mind. If we push him to accept that something happened and these memories _are_ pure invention then we'll only cause more harm than good."

He saw his colleague's frown and smiled. "Don't worry. I know you'll do the best you can for him. So… how are the other sessions going?"

Lou brightened at the change of topic. "Jenny's made excellent progress. She's managed to pinpoint the start of her problems. Apparently just over a year ago, she attended a fatal car crash where the victim turned out to be a cousin of hers. She had some counselling after the event but now she feels she never truly got over that meeting of work and home life. Since she identified that, she's gone from strength to strength."

"That's great," Jack said, full of praise. "What about Richard?"

Lou cocked her head, letting her smooth blonde hair tickle her arm. "Not bad. I think we'll get there in the end. There are some issues relating to his manager; some kind of bullying that needs to be sorted when he goes back but I think he'll be fine. How about your lot?"

"Duncan…" Jack said, realising he'd drunk the last of his coffee as he picked up the empty mug and stared at it wistfully, "… will be okay. He's probably the most classic PTSD sufferer of the group, with a constant build up of trauma over the years. He says he started to feel he couldn't cope after he attended a house fire where three children died. He said they'd reminded him of his own kids and he couldn't put them out of his head. He's probably been the easiest to work with, despite his reluctance in the group sessions."

Lou nodded understandingly, having worked with many similar clients herself. "What about that grumpy shit?"

Jack smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Is that a technical term, Ms Fletcher?"

"No, but an accurate one."

Jack laughed, glad that he had his lively younger colleague to balance out the burden of dealing with people's problems day in, day out. "He's done okay, although I still reserve judgment on whether he'll keep it together back at work. Surprisingly, he feels his girlfriend leaving him has been the source of a lot of his problems and I think he's planning to try and win her back."

Lou rolled her eyes. "Lucky girl; and Danny?"

"Again, he's getting there. He talks quite freely about what happened; we just need to continue working this guilt out of him. He's always upbeat about things, which is good."

Lou nodded as Jack stopped speaking, glad that for the most part, the group was progressing well. Used to the successes of past programmes she returned to thoughts of Dee, determined not to let the other go without getting to the bottom of what had happened to him.

Her chance to work with him further was temporarily halted in the third week when Dee was finally given an appointment at a local hospital in order to have his plaster cast removed. Danny volunteered to come with him and Dee agreed, anxious to keep him away from Kieran after a particularly tense group session that morning. It had started no different from previous sessions, but the two men were clearly in very contrasting moods that were bound to clash sooner or later. Eventually Kieran's belligerence had caused the often excitable Danny to boil over and harsh words turned to insults. They'd been one step away from an all out fist fight.

"He really pissed me off before," Danny grumbled as they rode in a taxi to Dee's appointment.

"No prizes for guessing who you're talking about," Dee replied, trying to keep the mood light.

"He's a wanker."

Dee raised an eyebrow, indicating he didn't recognise the word.

"You know; a tosser, prick, a _wanker_," Danny went on, not explaining too well. "I don't know what his problem is. He's just a…"

"Wanker?" Dee volunteered.

"Yeah," Danny replied although he was already smiling, clearly not willing to let the surly Irishman ruin the rest of the day. "Let's go and sort you out, Pegleg."

They paid the taxi driver and followed the directions they'd been given to the appropriate department at the hospital. When Dee's name was called, Danny stood too, announcing that he was going outside for a cigarette while he was gone. Once again, Dee had to go through the process of explaining where he was from, once again giving the vague answer 'work' as to why he was in the UK. The nurses then made small talk as his plaster cast was cut away and a further x-ray was taken. He was then left alone for a while before a doctor appeared, bringing with him the result of the x-ray.

"Well, it all looks good, Mr Latener," the medic reported after introducing himself. "The break's healed nicely but you have significant muscle wastage in your leg. How long has the cast been on?"

Dee explained how this had been the second break in a relatively short space of time. The doctor nodded at the information before asking Dee when he was due to return home.

"You're going to need quite a lot of physiotherapy before you're walking without assistance. You'll still need your crutches for a while and you'll have to wear a jointed brace to support the limb. I'll arrange some intensive sessions for you up until you leave, which you'll need to continue with once you're back home. If you'll excuse me, I'll go and make some calls."

After a further wait, a woman entered and introduced herself as the physiotherapist that would be working with him for the remainder of his stay. Dee liked Julie straight away although he sensed that she intended to work him hard. She chatted and joked with him as she fitted the neoprene brace, before showing him how to start exercising the limb without putting too much pressure on it. When they were done, she handed him his crutches and said goodbye, adding that she would see him in the morning when the hard work would really begin.

Danny was waiting for him as he left the consultant's room. "Is everything okay?" he asked, surprised to see the American still on crutches.

"Yeah," Dee replied, before explaining what the doctor had told him.

"Bet it'll be weird to wear a full pair of shoes again," Danny chuckled as they started off down the corridor together before he caught the look on Dee's face. "You _did_ bring a complete pair of shoes, didn't you?"

He laughed out loud as Dee's expression told him he hadn't. "Well since we've got a couple of hours free… wanna go and buy some shoes?"

Dee nodded his agreement, also chuckling that, despite Ryo organising his packing like a military operation, they had both overlooked the fact that by the end of the month he would need shoes for his right foot.

"I'll just buy a pair of sneakers," Dee announced.

It was Danny's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You mean trainers, right? Like these?" he said, gesturing to his own battered footwear.

"Yeah," Dee replied, rummaging for a much needed cigarette once they were out of the building. "Although I'd prefer mine to _not_ look like they'd been borrowed from a homeless person."

"Fuck off."

They headed for the city centre, quickly finding footwear to satisfy Dee's needs. Since they still had time to kill, Danny took the out-of-towner to Affleck's Palace; a large building that housed a collection of shops and stalls selling out of the ordinary goods. Dee bought some t-shirts, liking the retro clothing that was in abundance at the shops within the large building. The two men browsed the many stalls, pausing briefly at a hairdressing stall where a woman with multiple piercings on her face was shaving a Mohican into a customer's dyed green hair.

"You up for it?" Danny asked, nodding towards the hair style with a grin.

Dee laughed. "I'm not sure what Ryo would think if I came home with that. Not to mention the chief! Hell, he'd spew!"

Danny laughed. "How about something a little more subtle?" He thumbed in the direction of another shop; a neon-fronted tattoo parlour. Dee followed his gesture and raised his eyebrow, although he didn't laugh. Danny recognised the look. "You're thinking about it aren't you?"

Dee didn't answer but he moved over to the window to study some of the designs.

"What will Ryo say?"

Dee shrugged and smiled. "I'll just have to get something he'll like, won't I?"

Half an hour later, they emerged, Dee now wearing a small piece of gauze on his right shoulder blade, protecting the tattoo that he had chosen. There had been several designs that he had liked, but eventually he had chosen to have something that would always remind him of his lover back home.

For the remainder of the week, Dee had to fit his individual sessions with Lou around his trips to the physiotherapist. Julie, the therapist assigned to his rehabilitation, was young and enthusiastic but it still didn't totally mask the fact that her sessions were uncomfortable, sometimes painful and always physically demanding. Today was no different.

"You'll be running the New York marathon before you know it," Julie said with a grin as Dee slowly made his way towards her, a thin sheen of sweat on his face as he used the set of parallel bars to support his weight. The muscles in his arms bulged with exertion as he concentrated on using his weakened limb to walk; the leg still strapped in the neoprene jointed brace.

"Whatever you say," he replied jokingly, although it came out between gritted teeth. His attention was drawn to the door as Danny appeared, waving at Dee through the small window. With the session almost at an end, Dee gestured for him to come in. The younger man did so, his trademark grin in place.

"I didn't know you did gymnastics, Latener," he said, pointing to the parallel bars.

Dee managed a smile as he took one final unsteady step. "Want me to do a backflip?"

"No backflips," Julie said, sharing the joke. "But if you want to do something impressive, then you can manage with just one crutch from now on."

Dee looked surprised at the suggestion but nodded his agreement anyway. It would be hard, but he was eager be walking when he returned home and the only way to ensure that happened was to allow Julie to push him hard.

"Wonderful," Julie said, returning his crutches to him temporarily. "Well go and get changed and come back so I can refit your brace before you go. Good work again today, Dee."

The two men left the hospital and headed back to the hotel, having arranged to meet the rest of the group for their evening meal. It was hard to believe that this time next week, they would be preparing to leave, to return to their respective homes renewed, refreshed and hopefully ready for work. It was inconceivable to think that after all their hard efforts, they wouldn't be able to function in their chosen careers, but the biggest test was certainly still to come.

The group chose to eat in the hotel restaurant, occupying a round table in the centre of the room as they made the usual small talk. Dee had received a round of applause from the group when he had entered the room, walking, albeit very slowly, as opposed to hopping on his crutches. The conversation eventually turned to the PTSD programme itself and its organisers. All were in agreement that Jack and Lou were thoroughly likeable and they expressed their admiration that Jack had dedicated so many years to the treatment of fellow emergency workers.

"I wonder if he's ever had anyone kill themselves," Kieran said idly as he flicked his cigarette over the ashtray.

Richard frowned. "I doubt it."

"How can you be certain? Surely _someone_ must have been pushed over the edge."

Duncan glanced at Jenny before he spoke. All the men, bar Kieran, felt like they should shield her from more extreme conversations that an all male group would often indulge in. This topic, given their circumstances, seemed insensitive to say the least. "Kieran, I don't think this is really…"

"How would you do it?" the Irishman persisted before the other man could finish. "If you were going to top yourself, I mean."

"Shut up," Danny growled suddenly, eyeing Kieran with increasing distaste.

"What's up, Murphy?" he replied with a hint of a smirk. "It's just a hypothetical situation. Me? I'd go in style. In front of a train or off a building or something like that."

"Give it a rest, Kieran," Richard said sharply, sick of the other man's abrasive and antagonistic manner.

In response, Kieran shrugged unapologetically before downing the rest of his drink. "Well, I'm outta here," he said, standing and cracking his knuckles noisily. Five sets of eyes watched him leave with varying degrees of disbelief. 

"Hmph," Richard snorted as Kieran left the restaurant. "I can't see how he's made any progress. If he thinks he's got better then he's lying to himself."

Dee stiffened at the comment, which brought his own situation back to his attention, before Danny responded.

"Well I don't know how we'd ever see a difference. I bet he's always been a prick."

"He _can_ be different," Jenny said. "I've chatted to him a couple of times and I think there's more that's happened than he's willing to let on, to us anyway."

"Well he's stupid," Duncan said, having found his own therapy a positive experience. "What does he expect to gain by holding things back? He may as well not have come at all."

Dee was quiet for the rest of the evening; notably so but when the others asked, he claimed his physiotherapy session had left him exhausted. An early night seemed a good idea, which he attempted but failed at miserably as the clock rolled around to four am and he still hadn't managed to get to sleep. He was tempted to ring Ryo but for the past week and a half he had kept up the pretence that things were going well and he didn't want to destroy his lover's belief that he was getting better by phoning him and sharing his fears.

Lou had stopped alluding to the memory he had half remembered in her presence, although he could tell that she didn't like having to let it lie. It was obvious she didn't believe him; he could see it in her face. Some times she looked faintly annoyed; other times there was a pleading behind her dark eyes that came close to breaking down his self imposed defences.

He awoke with a feeling of abject confusion. He didn't remember falling asleep let alone slipping into a dream, which quickly became an all too familiar nightmare. Waking in a state of panic made the details sketchy but Dee could remember the basics as if it were indelibly etched into his brain. It went thus: Ryo was still worried about him and felt he had to look after him. As a result, Ryo hid things from him. The dream would still have been a nightmare if his lover's subterfuge had simply damaged their relationship, but the outcome was much, _much_ worse. Because of not wanting to worry his vulnerable lover, Ryo had took a risk and been hurt, fatally so. Dee had felt the tears on his cheeks as he awoke, but despite the muddle, one thing remained resolutely clear. The awful truth had to stay buried, for Ryo as well as himself.

"Nothing happened," Dee whispered quietly in the darkness of his room, hoping that if he repeated the mantra often enough, he could do a better job of convincing himself of the fact than he had his psychologist.

The fourth week had an air of finality to it. The mood in the group seemed brighter as they left their pasts behind and concentrated on the here and now; problem solving with their new-found skills any potential difficulties they might have back at work. With this new confidence came a desire to get back into the field, to test the coping abilities that they had developed. The last few days seemed a mere formality; all the healing they had needed to do was done or so it seemed. Nobody realised that for two members of the group, things were about to completely turn on their heads.

Dee had missed the morning session because of his hospital appointment, Julie pushing him hard to bear more weight on his recovering leg after a punishing session in the gym. The exercises helped, but Dee still found he needed to rely on his upper body and the cane Julie swapped his crutch for in order to get around. At lunch, he returned to the hotel and met the others returning from their group session. Immediately he knew something was wrong as Danny stormed through the reception with the others following in his wake.

"Go on, Murphy. Run like you always do!" Kieran growled, despite protestations from the others to shut up. Clearly, this had gone on throughout the morning. Dee was close by when Danny suddenly turned and lunged at Kieran, the hotel staff watching in horror at the scene unfolding before them in the busy reception area.

"Danny, stop!" Dee yelled, automatically grabbing the younger man's arm as it whizzed past his head. He couldn't stop it latching onto Kieran's clothing but the inevitable pushing and shoving unbalanced him and he fell, landing awkwardly, the metal in the brace digging into his leg.

"Fuck!" he cried, clutching the now throbbing limb, his eyes closed tightly against the pain that made his head swim.

"Now look what you've done!" Duncan said angrily as Jenny dropped to the floor and threw her arms around Dee's shoulders.

"Dee, honey? Are you okay?" she asked.

His pain-filled expression had caused the two brawling men to stop. Danny looked mortified.

"Dee! Oh shit, Dee. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," the dark haired man replied, waving off Danny's concern. When the pain eased slightly, he accepted Duncan and Jenny's assistance in getting to his feet. "Let's go out for dinner on our own tonight. We can talk then. Come and call for me at six."

Danny nodded, glaring one last time at Kieran before he headed off to his room. The Irishman mumbled an apology before he too left, Richard going with him to check that he didn't go after Danny, even though he said he wouldn't. Seeing Dee was reluctant to put weight on his leg, Duncan let the American lean on him as they headed for the elevator. Jenny came too, anxious to see that Dee was okay.

"Wouldn't you think they could've played nice with only a few days to go?" Dee said in disbelief as they reached the first floor.

Jenny nodded but looked troubled. "Kieran's been in a weird mood lately. I don't know… something's wrong. I'm worried about him."

"Have you talked to either Jack or Lou?" Duncan asked as he helped Dee into his room.

"I'm going to speak to Lou later," she replied, easing Dee onto his bed so the movement jarred him as little as possible. "Now Dee, do you need some painkillers?"

He nodded, wanting the discomfort to go away. He directed her to the medication next to his bed and she fetched him a glass of water to take the pills with. Having been a nurse before she became a paramedic, Jenny recognised that the medication would knock him out. Knowing he was due to meet Danny that evening, she set his alarm clock before covering him with a blanket.

He awoke several hours later, feeling sluggish from the effects of the drugs, but noting with some relief that the pain in his leg had gone. Gingerly he rose, and started to get ready for the evening, determined to talk to Danny and find out what had gone on with him and Kieran; tell him to lay off the other man after what Jenny had said. Six o'clock came and went and Danny still hadn't arrived. Dee reasoned he was probably in the bar, drinking away his anger, oblivious to the time. Half past six rolled around and Dee was growing edgy. He'd already done his insulin and hated leaving it too long before he ate. As he paced, he took the opportunity to practise the exercises Julie had taught him, relieved to find that his fall earlier hadn't done any damage.

He was frustrated to find how badly his balance had been affected, but as Julie had explained, he had approximately thirty percent muscle wastage and it would take time to build his strength back. Tiring of moving back and forth in the hotel room, Dee glanced at his watch and decided Danny would have done enough drinking by now. He'd have to go and get him.

As he moved to the door, he heard voices in the corridor beyond, his ears catching the end of an anxious sounding conversation.

"I've just seen someone," he heard a female voice say, "up on the top floor. He was going up to the roof."

"You mean an employee?" her male companion replied.

"No, he looked like a guest and well…"

"Well what?"

"He looked… I dunno…. _agitated_ I guess." There was a pregnant pause before the female continued. "You don't think…?"

"Maybe we should go and report it," came the reply before footsteps headed off down the corridor.

In his room, Dee froze, recalling the conversation he'd had with Jenny. "Kieran!" he said with a gasp, flinging open the door and moving as fast as he could into the corridor. Fortunately the elevator was nearby and he rode it to the top floor, mentally willing it to go faster. What was it Kieran had said the other night at dinner? _'Me? I'd go in style. In front of a train or off a building or something like that.'_ The doors eventually glided open on the seventh landing. From there it was a flight of stairs up to the roof; a fire escape that was normally out of bounds for guests.

The door was closed as Dee approached but that was no indication of whether anyone had passed through or not. Dee cursed under his breath at his slow progress up the iron stairs. Even ground was enough of a challenge for his weakened leg so he certainly wasn't up to climbing stairs and the exertion made him perspire. His mind raced with possibilities of what he'd find when he reached the roof. Would he be too late? He could only pray as he gritted his teeth and climbed that Kieran hadn't done anything stupid. As a cop, he had been trained to negotiate with suicidal individuals and he knew he had a duty to do but his heart still hammered at the thought and he couldn't help but wish that Danny had just shown up on time.

He reached the door at the top of the steps and pushed it open, letting in a rush of cold air. It was still light but the skies were grey, giving the appearance of premature darkness. A light rain had started to fall, making visibility poor as Dee scanned the roof, his eyes eventually coming to rest on a figure stood precariously close to the railings, the hood of his top pulled up over his head. His fears were confirmed as the other seemed to be preparing himself to jump. Dee hissed at the uselessness of his leg as he started forward and stumbled, catching himself at the last moment, his cane barely keeping him upright.

The noise of the traffic down below drowned out his footsteps and Dee was conscious not to startle the other man. He shortened the distance between them, so that conversation was possible before he spoke, his voice employing a calmness that he certainly didn't possess.

"Kieran? Kieran, it's Dee."

The figure jumped and spun around at the sound of the voice behind him. The surprise at finding someone there was nothing compared to Dee's however.

"_Danny_?" he said, staring at the angst-ridden face before him in disbelief.

"Stay away, Dee," came the younger man's rasping response, his tears lost on his rain soaked face. "It's too late."

TBC…


	6. Believing

**Crash and Burn – So Far Away**

Chapter 6 – Believing

"_Danny_?" he said, staring at the angst-ridden face before him in disbelief.

"Stay away, Dee," came the younger man's rasping response, his tears lost on his rain soaked face. "It's too late."

"Danny, _please_," Dee implored, his heart racing as he tried to keep his fear from his voice. He swallowed hard, forcing his mind to recall him training. "Danny, I'm not moving, just please get back so we can talk."

"No," the other sobbed. "Goddamnit, Dee! You won't make me change my mind."

"But the course…" Dee said, trying to understand what had driven the other to this point. "You've made so much progress."

"But I haven't! Every _fucking_ day, I see my friends dying and begging God not to let it happen! I can't live like that, Dee, I _can't_! I'm just hiding behind this damn mask! Pretending to be happy when I'm not…. I'm _not_."

Dee's heart skipped a beat as Danny seemed to lean towards the edge. "But what about Lisa? She's pregnant! What d'you think this will do to her?" he asked, desperately trying to make Danny see sense.

The younger man looked skyward, pain on his face at the mention of his childhood sweetheart. He'd contemplated suicide on and off ever since the tragic callout but he'd never come this close before. The PTSD programme had been his last hope and as it came to an end and the nightmares remained, in his mind he was left with that one awful alternative.

"She'll get over it," he said quietly, gazing at the busy streets below.

Dee shook his head, pushing damp hair off his face. "You don't believe that, I know you don't."

Danny's blank expression suddenly turned angry, ire contorting his normally boyish features. "Don't lecture me, Dee! You're going home to your perfect life with Ryo, all cured and ready to go back to work. I know you had a fucking hard time of it, but you're okay now. You talked, told them everything and they made it all better. Me? I'm still the same old fucked up Danny that I was before! You're the one that's made progress, not me."

Dee looked away from Danny's accusing stare. He studied the ground for several empty moments before he looked up again. "You're wrong…" he said quietly, "I haven't made any progress at all."

"Don't lie, Dee…"

"I'm not." He didn't want to do this but he knew now wasn't the time for half-truths. "There are… things that I haven't said; things I couldn't say. Things that will haunt me forever, Danny, no matter how much I try to pretend that they didn't happen."

"Like what?" Danny asked, finally taking his eyes of the edge as he turned to face Dee, his own fate temporarily forgotten.

Dee hesitated; the defensive barriers he'd worked hard to erect over the last couple of weeks not fully crumbled yet. "I… I can't," he stuttered, feeling vulnerable at the suggestion.

Danny met his comment with a humourless smile. "They maybe we should both jump."

Dee inhaled slowly, his eyes closed tightly against the memories that had no place being there. When he opened them again, Danny was still watching him closely, clearly curious about what had his American friend so shaken.

"When I was being held hostage… there was someone else. Someone who came to check on me one time. He was a friend of the other brother, the one they had in custody. He said Liam… the guy that kidnapped me, was going to hurt Ryo, but he could stop him; talk him out of it because Liam owed him a favour. He would do that if…" He stopped and closed his eyes again, forcing himself to say the words he had avoided since the dreadful memories had resurfaced. "… if I agreed to let him touch me."

He opened his eyes expecting to see disgust on his companion's face but Danny looked sympathetic. The look however did little to sooth his troubled soul.

"I let him, Danny. I _let_ him touch me." He ignored the tear that ran down his cheek. "I didn't shout, scream, try and fight him off, _anything_. I let him."

"But he was blackmailing you, Dee," Danny said firmly. "It wasn't your fault some sick bastard took advantage of you; anyone could see that."

"But I can't remember everything… what if he wanted more and I let him… Oh Jesus…"

"Then it was rape. You can't be responsible for what happened."

"But I am! It was my choice." He was sobbing now but didn't care. "Trust me, Danny, I've thought of suicide. I nearly did it! I was _this_ close; this _fucking_ close to giving myself way too much insulin so I didn't have to think of this shit anymore! I just thought, Ryo'll be fine. He'll get over it, but he wouldn't, just like Lisa wouldn't. They'd always be thinking that maybe if they'd said something else, done something different then we wouldn't have done it. And even though this feels unbearable, it can't be as bad as knowing I hurt Ryo so much."

Danny's features clenched together, his mind in turmoil. He'd been set to jump; damn, Dee for putting doubts in his head. In his own agitation, Dee moved slightly, unconsciously shifting all his weight onto his recovering leg. He realised almost instinctively what he had done, but as he went to recover, the tip of his cane slipped on the rain-soaked floor and he fell. He let out a cry of surprise; awaiting the pain of when he hit the ground. Danny however was quicker. Seeing Dee about to fall, he jumped forward, catching the other man in his arms and using his own body to cushion the impact. He let out an audible 'oof' as Dee landed on top of him, the American grunting as his leg jarred for the second time that day. They stayed frozen that way until Dee tried to move.

"You okay?" Danny asked, pushing him gently into a sitting position.

"Yeah… thanks," he replied grimacing, although the pain was dulled by the medication he had taken earlier. "I think my physical therapist's gonna kill me though."

Sat in a rain-soaked heap, their arms still around each other, Danny suddenly laughed. "So this isn't a strategy they teach you in police negotiations in the States is it?"

Dee managed a smile. "No."

Their attention was drawn by the sound of footsteps hurrying up the fire escape. Seconds later, Jack Bradford rushed out onto the roof, his features flooding with relief to see the two men sitting on the floor, away from the edge.

"Danny? Dee? Is everything okay?"

The two men looked at each other, silently asking themselves the same question. Eventually Danny turned and nodded, allowing Jack to approach. The older man squatted down on his haunches, studying the two carefully, trying to gauge what was going on.

"I think," Dee said suddenly, pushing his rain-soaked hair from his eyes. "That we both need to do some talking." He looked at Danny who nodded his agreement.

"Let's go then," Jack said with a reassuring smile, standing and assisting Danny in helping Dee to his feet. Slowly the three men came down from the roof, each understanding that something had changed because of the events of the last half an hour.

Dee agreed to let Jack call Lou and she came straight over, anxious to know why she had been called out so late. She hurried in from the rain, her expression anxious as she took the elevator to the first floor. She found Dee alone in his room after Jack had told her where he was. He invited her in and gestured to the remaining armchair, which she took after she had taken off her coat and deposited her umbrella in the bathroom sink.

"Hey Dee," she said, smiling warmly at him as she settled into the chair across from him. "Is something the matter?"

"What has Jack said?" Dee asked, pushing aside the empty plate of his room service meal that Jack had insisted that he order.

"Absolutely nothing, except that you wanted to see me."

Dee nodded, watching as she smoothed down her rain dampened hair. Her makeup was more glamorous than usual and he guessed correctly that she had just been about to go out. Although he felt a little guilty at spoiling her plans, it heartened him that she cared so much about her clients that she would just drop everything and come. For a moment he said nothing, his eyes meeting some random spot on the wall behind her. Then he focussed on her and began to speak.

"Tonight, Danny was going to kill himself," he began, pausing only as she reacted with shock. "Thank God he didn't, but he said he was sick of living and hiding behind a mask. With his happy-go-lucky attitude I guess he had us all fooled. He also said I couldn't possibly know how he felt because I'd made progress and he hadn't. So I came clean; I haven't made progress." He stopped and stared straight at her. "But you knew that already, right?"

"Why'd you say that?" Lou replied, successfully avoiding answering his question.

"Because since that day when I remembered something, you've never stopped telling me to quit hiding. You've always known that there was more than what I told you."

Eventually she nodded. "I couldn't make you tell me, Dee."

Intense green eyes met earnest brown ones. "I know. But now I know I need to, or I'll go home taking all the baggage I brought with me."

"So do you want to talk about it now?" she asked.

"No… but I will."

Lou watched as he laced his fingers together before he unlaced them and ran them through his hair.

"There… there _was_ someone else. I didn't imagine them. It definitely happened."

"It?"

"I was… I was assaulted… sexually. I remember being touched but… well… there are other things I can't remember. Shit, I don't even know if I was…" He stopped and sighed, not wanting to say the word out loud. Lou saved him from his internal struggle.

"Dee? Have you ever seen the hospital reports of your injuries when you were first admitted?"

"No, I haven't."

"You _weren't_ raped, Dee. Is that what you wanted to know?"

Dee closed his eyes tightly and nodded his head.

"The hospital were certain of that."

"You suspected it too though, didn't you?" he asked, opening his eyes at last.

She nodded. "You reacted so strongly when we did that session, but I couldn't say anything in case they _were_ just hallucinations. I just knew _something _had happened. Even when you said you had hallucinated those new memories, I guess I didn't really believe you."

"I never was a very good liar." Dee managed a humourless smile before his expression darkened again. "But I let the other person touch me because he said he could protect Ryo from Liam Patterson. I wasn't thinking straight, shit… I should have seen right through him."

Lou shook her head. "Do you think you would have made a different decision if you hadn't been so ill?"

Dee contemplated this for a moment. "No, probably not. I'd have endured anything if I thought it would keep Ryo safe."

"Exactly. That's why you can't feel responsible for anything that happened, Dee."

"Easier said than done."

Lou smiled sympathetically. "I know, but you've made a huge and vitally important step by admitting that anything happened at all. The mind will try a number of coping strategies, including denial, which feels like it might work for a while, but it always proves to be counter-productive in the end. The fact that we're here now means you've worked that out for yourself."

"I guess so…"

Lou smiled, studying his tense expression. "Have you had much experience of working with victims of sexual assault and rape, Dee?"

The American shook his head. "Most of the victims I usually get to see are dead," he said with a grimace.

"That's okay, I just didn't want to start telling you things you already know. You've probably had the lectures when you were training; about how sexual assault is about power and violence and not sex, but it's sometimes hard to remember those things if you have to apply it to yourself. That person took advantage of your vulnerability and their knowledge of your love for Ryo was a weapon with which to do it. You may not have physically been beaten into submitting but their threats had the same, if not better, effect."

Dee nodded, understanding what she was saying. If threatened with physical violence, he doubted he would have agreed to let another man near him. He was Ryo's, body and soul and any form of intimacy with another person had become unthinkable the moment he had decided Ryo was 'the one'. Sure, in his incapacitated state he couldn't have fended his attacker off, but at least he could have derived comfort from the fact that he hadn't been led to that terrible fate willingly. But the thought that he could save Ryo from any pain was a far more powerful and dangerous card that his captor held, and when he played it, Dee couldn't help but fold.

Slowly, Lou helped him explore his feelings. Despite his initially calm exterior about events, he had a lot of anger and it took a while for him to release it. Tears soon followed, as he finally accepted and grieved for himself and everything he had been through. He acknowledged how his ordeal had changed him and when he was spent, he realised how much he had needed to let go. Lou was a good listener and she helped him put things in perspective when he found it difficult to see a more positive future for himself.

They talked long into the night and agreed to meet again after lunch the next day. In the morning group, Jack, with Dee and Danny's blessing, told the others what had happened the evening before. Dee had chosen to be present, but Danny had been allowed to rest. The previous evening, he had accepted some sleeping pills in the hope of finally getting a good night's rest without the nightmares that had plagued him for too long. The rest of the group were shocked and vowed to be supportive. They were also relieved that Danny had agreed to continue individual therapy with Jack after the PTSD programme had finished. Dee also, without saying too much, explained that he too was continuing his individual sessions with Lou until he left, after other person issues had come to light for him too.

"He always seemed so cheerful," Richard remarked to Dee as they left the morning session. The American nodded, recalling Danny's comment about wearing 'masks'.

"Yeah, I never saw it either and I spent more time with him than anyone."

"He obviously hid it well," Jenny commented, determined not to let Dee feel bad about what had happened. "And I hope _you_ manage to get everything sorted out too, Dee."

"Yeah, well, at least things are out in the open now," Dee replied, thinking also of his own situation as well and acknowledging his relief that he no longer had to deal with it alone. They parted company as Dee went off to the hospital for another appointment with Julie, his physiotherapist.

Julie was pleased with his progress, especially in the light of his falls the day before. She cut him some slack with his workout, although quickly pointed out that it was only a temporary reprieve, before she let him leave. After a quick lunch, fetched from a nearby deli by Jack's receptionist, Dee met with Lou for another session. The truth had helped clear the air between them and as difficult as the sessions now were, Dee felt that they were definitely moving in the right direction.

They talked for a long time about the guilt that he carried around with him for what had happened and the guilt that he could now see didn't belong to him. Therapy had helped, but it was Danny's predicament that had brought it home to him that the guilt was misplaced, in both of their cases. Seeing Danny beating himself up about things beyond his control helped put his own experience in perspective. He had assented to the man's request and been assaulted as a result, but that didn't make him guilty, and he knew that now. At the time, it had potentially meant the difference between Ryo and Bicky suffering and being left alone and even now, after seeing the mess it had created and the nightmares it had left him with, he knew he wouldn't have decided any differently; while he loved Ryo, his first instinct would always be to protect him.

It was during the session that Dee announced that he had reached a decision regarding his future. Lou nodded and studied him with interest, his whole demeanour indicating his confidence in what he was about to say.

"I've decided that I won't be requesting an investigation into the identity of my attacker. The main perps are behind bars and I don't think I'd gain anything from dragging all this up."

Lou nodded, processing this carefully. "Are you absolutely sure?"

"Certain."

"Okay… what about Ryo? Do you intend to tell him?"

"No." He stopped but saw she wanted him to give his reasoning. "What I need now is normality. I've done all my grieving here and I need to move on. Telling Ryo would just set me back. Can you imagine how he'd feel if I told him I'd been sexually abused trying to protect him? Being abducted and then finding out I was diabetic gave Ryo enough of a reason to treat me like I was made of glass; this would be about a million times worse. I need people to see that I can cope. I know I said that before but this time it's different; I've been taught how to cope and I know I can do it."

Lou smiled, never doubting his sincerity. She could see a difference in him and knew it was a positive change. "You're not unusual in wanting to keep something like this to yourself, Dee and I'm not going to push you to change your mind. All I want you to remember is that you're not weak if you do change your mind in the future."

"I know," he replied, glad that she respected his decision.

"And remember," she continued, "If anything is troubling you once you're home then Jack and I are only a phone call away."

"A damned expensive one!" Dee laughed. "Can I call collect?"

Lou chuckled too. "Only if you don't tell Jack."

"Then it's a deal."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It felt strange to be packing up; like a month had only been a week and therefore a day would pass by in mere seconds now that time followed this new and expeditious pattern. Dee gathered up his clothes, bundling them into his suitcase along with gifts for everyone; some books and aftershave for Ryo, a t-shirt for Bicky and some perfume for Cal. Next he moved into the bathroom, relying heavily on his cane. He threw away most of the toiletries and turned to leave, but not before catching a glimpse of his bare and newly tattooed back. He smiled at the design, wondering what his lover would make of it when he showed it to him and was amazed all over again that in just under two days time he would be doing just that.

He was leaving Manchester in the morning, catching a flight to London where he would spend the day sightseeing before flying home to New York that evening. He had found out that Jenny was on the same flight as him and when she had offered to show him some of the sights of the UK's capital city before she headed home, he had gratefully accepted. A taxi was due to pick them both up first thing after breakfast and so tonight was their last meal together as a group.

He had finished his insulin when there was a familiar knock at the door. "Come in," he called out, grinning as Danny's head poked around the door.

"Ready to go eat?" he asked, seeing Dee's bags packed.

"Sure am. Man, this is _weird_. I can't believe we're finally leaving. It's gotta be the shortest month on record!"

"Yeah," Danny replied, scratching his head. "It's been… interesting, I guess."

"But worth it?"

"Yeah," the younger man replied after a moment's consideration. "You?"

Dee nodded as he took to his feet. "Definitely." He winced as he tentatively shifted some weight onto his right leg and Danny caught the look.

"I'm really sorry, Dee, about your leg. If I hadn't had that stupid fight with Kieran…"

Dee smiled. "It's okay. It only aches when I first lean on it. After that it's not too bad. Anyway, you redeemed yourself by catching me when I fell again up on the roof."

Danny nodded. Talking about that incident still felt a little awkward and tonight in particular wasn't the time to dwell on such things. "Come on," he said, letting the catch off the door. "Let's go eat."

They found the others in the hotel restaurant; the three men and one woman smiling warmly as they approached.

"Evening, Dee, Danny," Richard said with a grin as he stood from his seat so they could get to the two vacant places.

They ordered their meals before unanimously agreeing that champagne was a must-have for their final evening together. The others had considered ordering it prior to Dee and Danny's arrival but weren't sure how the two men with last minute issues would take it. It was wonderful therefore, to find celebration on their agendas too. They talked and laughed throughout the evening, their conversation a million miles away from the troubles that had brought them to Manchester almost a month ago.

The mood was further uplifted when, as they were walking through to the bar, Kieran laid a hand on Danny's shoulder. The others watched nervously as Danny stopped and turned, his expression not exactly friendly.

"Danny," Kieran began, "I just want to apologise for, well everything. I guess we just got off on the wrong foot."

The younger man was silent for a moment as he studied the Irishman for any sign that his apology was insincere. Seeing no obvious dishonesty, Danny nodded and accepted Kieran's outstretched hand.

"Buy you a drink?" the Irishman asked.

"Sure, so long as you buy one for everyone," Danny replied, gesturing to the others with a growing smile.

Kieran smiled back and nodded. "Deal."

Later on as they chatted, Kieran's mobile phone rang and he excused himself to go and take the call. When he returned, he was grinning broadly; an expression that suited him much better than the scowl he had worn for the majority of his time in Manchester.

"Drinks are on me again," he said, going straight to the bar before anyone could question the reason for his obvious good mood. When he returned, setting down the tray of drinks, Jenny enquired. "Good news, Kieran?"

"I'd say so," he replied cryptically, still grinning. "That was my girlfriend. She says she wants us to try again when I get home."

The others could see how important this was to him and offered their warm wishes for his future, Danny included as he thought of his own pregnant lover. Before long, it was time to head back to their rooms, some with longer journeys than others the following day. The next time they saw each other was in the restaurant at breakfast the next morning. Duncan, ever the early bird, had been and gone, but they had arranged to meet in the hotel reception to say their final goodbyes. They had decided to leave together, with the exception of Danny, who was staying on to arrange his future sessions with Jack before he went home.

They were all present at check-out time; one corner of the hotel lobby given over to them and their bags as they did their last minute checks that they had everything. They were chatting amicably when the Metropolitan's doorman entered.

"Taxi for Patrick," he announced loudly.

Kieran signalled that he had heard before he turned back to the others. "Well, I guess I'll see you guys," he said shaking hands with each of them until he got to Jenny who instigated a hug. Seeing Danny, he smiled and nodded. "Good luck, Murphy," he said, offering his hand.

"Thanks," Danny replied, taking the proffered appendage and shaking it firmly. "You too."

Gradually the six dwindled to five, then four and then three. When Jenny and Dee's taxi arrived to take them to Manchester Airport, Jenny said her goodbyes to Danny and announced that she would go and wait for Dee in the car, sensing that the two men who had bonded closely over the last month had things to say to each other. When she'd gone, Danny fidgeted and looked down at the floor.

"Well, I guess this is it," he said, glancing up through unruly chestnut bangs. "Thank you, Dee, for everything I mean."

Dee smiled; no good at goodbyes either. "I don't know whether I could have survived this month without you so, thank _you_. You'll stay in touch?"

"Promise. Well, have a safe journey home, Dee." He stuck out his hand.

The American looked down at it and chuckled before he clasped Danny's wrist and pulled the other man towards him into a hug. Emotion overruled his inhibition and Danny threw his arms around the taller man, returning the solid gesture of friendship. They stayed that way as the seconds passed until eventually they pulled apart, both men smiling.

"You look after yourself, Murphy, or I'll be coming back to personally kick your ass."

Danny laughed and slapped him on the back. "_Sure_. With that leg? You better get it working properly then, hadn't you?"

"You better believe it," Dee chuckled. "And listen, if you and Lisa ever fancy a trip to New York then I can hook you up with a place to stay, so long as you don't mind sharing with a couple of gay guys."

"I thought you weren't gay?"

A couple of people turned to look as Dee laughed. "Finally you're catching on!"

Danny shook his head and smiled as he reached for Dee's suitcase. "Come on, Latener. Let's get you home."

Dee climbed into the taxi, taking one last look at the hotel that had been his home for the past four weeks. With the window wound down, his eyes came to rest on Danny, stood on the pavement, still grinning.

"Ring me when you become a dad, huh?"

If possible, Danny's grin grew even broader. "Will do. Will you be up for babysitting?"

"You paying the airfare?"

"Not likely!"

"Guess not then," he grinned. "Bye, Danny. Look after yourself."

"You too!" the younger man called out as the taxi started to pull away. Dee and Jenny waved until the vehicle rounded a corner and Danny and the hotel disappeared from sight.

Dee turned to his female companion as she sighed, a contented expression on her face. "It'll be good to be home, don't you think?" she said, seeing Dee watching her.

"Yeah," he replied, smiling as he thought of his lover, his home, his friends, even Bicky. "Yeah it will."

His heart lifted as he saw the first sign for the airport, knowing that soon, he would be back where he belonged. He knew without a doubt that the PTSD course had been necessary; it had helped him deal with the past, but now he had to look to the future. A future with Ryo… he smiled at the thought as he watched the world fly by beyond the car window. He could picture his lover's face, and in his mind, he spoke to the vision, knowing his imagined words would have to do for now.

_Wait for me, Ryo. I'm coming home._

End


End file.
